its nearly time for wrapping things up for this christmas in scotland, im coming to terms with having no sleep and all ideas.
projectwise it keeps on shaping. i went to the tackshop i used to work in, and bought the T touch textbook for dressage. the rest of my christmas money is going towards the deposit for my Ttouch course in March. I decided, that im not just doing it so that humans may have opportunity to gain inner peace, but also that a different perspective towards horses may develop. and i am coming to believe that this might be through using the Ttouch technique (founded by Linda Tellington Jones, you can find more information on the TtouchUK website.) The training involves six days, and six evenings camping. which im sure will bring its own story in 2014.
Theres a dutch song, i've posted below in earlier blogs .Spijt. it translates to Sorrow. Sorry. and as time in 2013 draws in, its time to draw some lines. to prepare for the new year coming. Theres been some frienships this year that really gave feeling of disappointment. To be a vehicle for passing out love, and love without expectation, its bloody difficult, and near impossible. and the line draw is that i dont have to hold that weight of disappointment, and the sooner i can draw the line and let it go, the better i will feel. giving care towards others is fine, but thats not to say that they will even recognise it, or respect it, or even carry it forward. and thats ok, now thats getting to be ok. i'm not sorry that i showed care and consideration, and i'm not sorry i met those people on my path, and im now especially not sorry i've drawn a line and walking away from it. someone once said that if you dont like the people that you are attracting into your life, then its time to change something in yourself. and thats what i've been recognising this year. In caring for others this year, i've been looking away too much in what needs encouraging and feeding in my own life. and not just the project.
I met a friend in the last few days, her mother had died in the last few months. and her husband had one immense conclusion from it. if you should die tomorrow, the important thing is that you have lived life to the best standards that you can, and those standards can only be set by you. not ever by anyone elses expectations.
The next morning, i met another friend, who was absolutely queen of her own. queen of her own life. she has the most beautiful child that i have ever met (i work with many beautiful children, but this truly is an extra ordinarily beautiful soul). Queen of her own, well she was happy where she was, and in control of where she was. she chose to have a child, and at a time when she had travelled where she wanted to, had created a career that she had wanted, and now mastered it in being able to be strong in her boundaries in parenting her child. I admired seeing this all within a coffee catchup. if life graces me with two or three more years (one can never be sure). this is a situation that i would like to be in. Queen of my own.
it started a few months ago with Kutweer. a dutch translation for shitty weather, except subtexting it with a slightly rude C word for the ladies v-jayjay (god bless Oprah for nationalising such a term). it was one of the words that Zussie taught me in Breda. and for personal intention, its never used to degrade the v-jayjay, I mean goodness me, its celebrated and attended to (worshipped) in many parts of the world on a daily basis. who am I to imply c*nt as derogatory?
In the horse work in Breda, it was common use for exasperation's, kutriek, kutwijf, kutkop, kutkruidwagon, kutstroi... so when I expressed sheer misery of the weather I was experience, it was to express, and to get it out of my system, on facebook. someone who is a great supporter of a creative friend, took umbrage and challenged me that it was an attack on womanhood, but it was never attack in that way. there was no intention in the words to attack womanhood, or to bring it down, but there was an attack on the state of the awful weather.
It was a few days later. and I had to cycle with the children to drop the eldest boy at a friend house. the weather wasn't rainy, but it was cold and slightly unpleasant. The little girl who normally could wear a vest in minus temperatures without complaint, got so upset that it was a heartfelt struggle to persuade her there and back. and as we dropped the boy off at the friends, and rested our bikes by the wall. there in small graffiti, was Kut. now this is not to say that my words and intentions influenced one of the coldest entries to summer I have ever experienced. I am not taking that responsibility. It says in the bible, that your belief, your faith can affect someone else, so is it then possible that my misery of words, my expression and belief toward the weather could affect others experience of the weather?
So I have started to meet with the lady I work for, the one who helps to nurture my HSP traits and spiritual side, to begin plans for the next steps. I am going to write more of my processing in a different blog. questions of reflection came up, firstly who do I consider as being in my front line team, and secondly, what empowers me at the moment?
I wrote those names who I consider to stand strongly beside me in my notebook, in the end being me it wasn't a simple line of linked names, it grew to be several lines branching out strong from a central point. One line was the old faithfuls, those who have known me as I was then, and how I am now. There are those who inspire me. there are those who are spiritual, the Christians and the sensitives, and there's David, the patriarchal brother. And then there was that which which cannot be seen, only felt, but still important, Grampa.. Farao and Odessa, my equine friends both departed, and I'm almost sure Van Goghs taking himself into the team. But I'll explain that one another day..
My immediate team is always strong, but it rotates depending on me, and life.
Last summer, I had a strong network of brothership, which was great. I really love male companionship. But the drawback of hanging too much with the brothers was that my own feeling of femininity and attractiveness started to lessen and submit to feelings of others judgements towards others. it was never a point that I was seeking out their attraction on that level, I loved them as brothers, but seeing through their eyes what was deemed attractive, and knowing I was not in that cast, it had an affect on my own perception of myself.
And the issue came up again, as I met a brother for coffee, and we compared two friends of his, who were both blond. One was more Marilyn Monroe, and the other was more elfin type. He tried to set out that the elfin type was better looking than the Marilyn Monroe. To me, they were both blonds, however one, the Marilyn was more closed, and less attractive, and less confident, than the other. And perhaps I thought, maybe if the Marilyn Monroe felt more attractive in herself, then others perceptions towards her, might be different. there are always going to be people that are more or less aesthetically appealing, maybe.. maybe you can be the most attractive you can be, with the package you got.
So next day, whilst I was cycling to work. I thought I would experiment. on the basis that intention of misery in kutweer/shittyweather could be carried forward, if I simply spoke out "I am attractive", whether I believed it or not, to see if would it have affect... so it was said. breathed. and mentioned again on a couple of different bicycle trips, and then forgotten.
And I have to say, there has been some change. it wasn't done as a quest to feel most beautiful in the playground, or a step towards arrogance, but more peaceful feeling of my own value, and value in my own femininity, not just in aesthetics but also in a way of being. Nothing has changed in my daily routine, apart from increasing my exercise, which was done for my own feeling of fitness, apart from normalities of showering, using my toothbrush frequently, deodorant, eyeliner and mascara in the morning. nothing extra has changed. I am not able to see my own aura, although I'm sure some people can. But, I do know that people do respond to the energy that others put out. Because I know that I respond to theirs.
In the last weeks, since accounting for my own value, I have found that more people have conversed with me, I've had more instances of split second connections with people. Cycling past the man who was so amused as his Labrador sprang like a gazelle through the long grass. for a split second we connected on that humour and I enjoyed it.
On leaving the cinema, the attendant who'd took my ticket, walked me out, and chatted with me about the movie til we parted at the train station, from there the train station assistants volunteered assistant (maybe I just looked clueless - who knows!). and I cant help wondering if my feeling of value was lowered again, and my energy was less open, would either of them have felt like connecting with me? would life even have put them in a position to connect with me?
We can be judged at how good looking we are. We can judge ourselves on it compared to others. But it we're so busy concentrating on bringing ourselves or others down, what fun are we having? who is having the joy? We all have beauty, it just how we utilise it.
