C'est dans la joie

 

Hey, I'd like to thank the creator for giving me this gift, and I'd like to thank you for being reflections of this gift, because sometimes you feel like you're by yourself a little.." - Erica Badu, Yeyo.

This week, spring has come to Amsterdam! at long last! and it allows me to see pockets of life where Amsterdam reveals the warmth and fun behind it. after school finishes, families round the amstel collect around picnic tables, benches I've cycled past unnoticed are filled with every kind of people. the warmth brings out the warmth, and i quite like it.

I was given a ticket to go see the Van Gogh museum. It had been sort of a reward for rebelling against organised group activities.. I really couldn't find the enthusiasm to take part in the easteregg hunt. So i went to the toilet, and when i came back, i was given an egg anyway. fair enough thought i.

I'd had a slight awareness of Van Gogh living in the south, my home was two villages away from his birthplace of Zundert, i didn't work this out until about a year or so into grocery trips. driving past vogh's self portrait on the welcome to zundert sign suddenly had meaning. well, better late than never. In visiting his exhibition in the Hermitage, Amsterdam., there were three things that struck me overall where his ethos was concerned, firstly was his absolute obsessive painting in the moment. to grab every possible feeling of the in that "now". Secondly was his interest in Japanese art and religious attention to nature and its affect.  He wrote letters to his brother marvelling at Japanese way of living with respect to their environment.

 

 

"..isn't it almost a new religion that these Japanese teach us. Who are so simple and live in nature as though they themselves are flowers. And wouldn't we be able to study Japanese art it seems to me without becoming much happier and more cheerful. and it makes us return to nature, despite our education and our work in a world of convention." - Van Gogh's thoughts in a letter to his brother Theo.

I was then very drawn to a second painting, and i really wasn't sure why at first. I preferred some others to it, others had sometimes more intricate brushwork, sometimes colours that i found more touching. but the energy that came off this one painting, brought that buzz to my hands. I have this buzz if i am around crystal stones, or more recently i found it also in spoken word with heart felt intention. Its just funny sometimes if you feel a good energy from something, but you have absolutely no rationale as to why. Reading the side posting, it described Van Gogh's hope in building an artistic community. Can all this good energy come from the mere hope of something? if so, how fantastic would it be. The Yellow House.

La Maison et son entourage, La Rue. courtesy of  http://www.parisprovencevangogh.com

I found some more information about Van Gogh, and gradually about his flatmate, and co-learner in art, Gauguin. Van Gogh wanted to have impact on people. and viewed painting as a constant path of learning to create art, he painted in the "now" but was also eager to learn from his peers. 

So I decided to look a bit further into Van Gogh, it niggles me though if I look at something I've written and it doesn’t really  fulfil what I want it to say. Which means extra enquiry, a little more that what I'd actually intended! Lazy student - moi? Well yes, my history teacher would have you believe something on this line, for some reason we didn’t click. I wasn’t too bad as a student, but a second to top for attainment in history class, and second to bottom for attitude and effort in history class, meant really I shouldn’t have written on that desk, shouldn't have.. ? really? why not write on the desk..?

.So it was a surprise module in university that made history interesting again.   An spirited study session with my one of my flatmates a thought provoking textbook, and fairly substantial measures of Baileys and ice. our new study method and discussion saved us from summer resits.  Our text book made history thought provoking and interesting, it was Landscape and memory by Simon Schama. 

 Simon Schama's suggestion is that the landscape around us is not just the physical, but is layered with connections that we make with it from past memories, emotions and future hopes. Through discussing war, ancient culture, and modernisation, he looks at  how we continually shape and are shaped by the land, our national character defined by what is around us, a deep and ancient connection with our environment.  He suggests,

It is in vain to dream of a wilderness distant from ourselves. There is none such. It is the bog in our brains and bowels, the primitive vigour of nature in us, that inspires that dream.''
 

 And if its really taken down to organic root levels, then it also ties to what  Van Gogh is trying to honour in his painting of the potato eaters, where its suggested that the browns of the earth connect full circle, the eating of what they have cultivated from the earth is now celebrated.  Van Gogh showing the most pure and organic connection with habitat around us was to be celebrated.  In conveying these thoughts, I'm not suggesting that we should throw away the lives that we like living, but just suggesting that we take time to evaluate the life that's built around us. Which parts of our environment do we connect to? which parts connect to us? which parts rejuvenate and inspire? which parts are organic, and which parts are synthetic? which bits are healthy, and which bits are not?

 Schama described that van gogh's mental health problems were both the catalyst and downfall to his art, and it was between those moments where a creative explosion would capture beauty. Van Gogh in his letters described awareness of his increasing bouts of illness. And in those moments of health, would summon confidence and courage to capture moments of nature.

 "If you work with love and intelligence, you develop a kind of armour against people's opinions, just because of the sincerity of your love for nature and art. Nature is also severe and, to put it that way, hard, but never deceives and always helps you to move forward.” - Van Gogh

 In expecting Gauguin to come and stay, he then anticipated a strength of creative force in combining two such different artistic styles. And who knows in the end which frictions, personal rivalry, difference in lifestyle, difference in artistic process… led to increasingly difficult mood swings from Van Gogh, and perhaps also escalating power struggles with Gauguin.. But what is true, is that in those nine weeks, over forty masterpieces were created between both Van Gogh and Gauguin which is a remarkable accomplishment.

 "I feel such a creative force in me: I am convinced that there will be a time when, let us say, I will make something good every day , on a regular basis....I am doing my very best to make every effort because I am longing so much to make beautiful things. But beautiful things mean painstaking work, disappointment, and perseverance.”  - Van Gogh.

 

In walking around the van Gogh museum, his wish to connect peoples emotion with the moment, and with his portrayal of real life beauty, his legacy really is fulfilled.   And whilst being an example of inspiration for future expressionists to follow, his strength of character in living through his own struggles and pressure can surely also be an inspiration in its own affect.  To look at a painting, and see the life in a ladies eyes. A real lady with concerns, sadness and frustration, through Van Gogh's portrayal, i can connect with her emotions captured hundred of years before.  and in a time where mental illness could not be fully understood or supported, I'm in awe of the mental strength and resilience he had to weather such stormy cycles, its fascinating to think of outbursts of creativity between storms clouds of mental illness. on one hand a pilgrimage of struggle, on the other hand mastery of colour, movement and foundation in which many could be inspired through expressionism. 

 

What am I in the eyes of most people — a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person — somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then — even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything, based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum.” 


In the past, during more difficult situations i have wondered if strength of heart has indeed been strengthened. when the heart pain and anxiety is so great you have to literally strap it with a belt to relieve the pressure, i did wonder at times if it all this emotional stuff was worth it in a practical sense. I would love to say that this is steeped in melodrama, melodrama would be simple. but when emotions overload to impede physical living life, you really have to question it a bit. on some of the lighter occasion, heavier occasions i kept to being a private affair, but those lighter times where i was able to process it further, i would seek Davids advice.

And the wisdom that sticks to mind, was over a distressful unfathomable outburst I'd had from someone. And whilst he could also could not reason for it, sometimes he said, there are just situations that we cannot explain, but that they are there to bring us maturity. Some of the most beautiful things, are created through struggle and pressure, favourite examples of his being diamonds, and salmon.

feeling slightly weathered and not really eager to mature, or be honed.

"Thank you David, I'm quite happy not to be challenged, in fact at the moment I really wouldn't mind just being a Tuna".

But sometimes life doesn't really give you a luxury of choosing. And in hindsight, I am glad that it doesn't. One day, I am sure that there will be a little book of reflections on a Salmon.  so really keeping things salmon, Van Gogh is a hero, mastering his life struggles in balance with his art and leaving a legacy of colour, and emotional connection in which he as affect on peoples lives. And when looking at the colours and textures of his works, we are really reminded of his own emotional depths, and that's awesome to be affected by someones soul.

courtesy of the BBC.

 

 


two years ago, i decided to retire from buying Walkmans (mp3 players, I'm not that retro) and in losing my second Walkman charger, and first Walkman actually. i went with Zussie to buy a new one on sale, for being considerably younger than me, she was remarkably good at reminding me it was just for something to listen to this time. money mattered, and not quality of sound. three weeks ago, it came to be that i lost my cheap mp3, and in a moment of irony, on my table sat the charger from cheapo, and Walkman no.2. if there are moments that i cannot find my mp3 for the commute to Amsterdam, i take it as an opportunity to practise listening and coping with the world around. every sound seemed to be filtrating the same frequency for the duration. the sound of footsteps was the same intensity as the sound of a ticket being checked, as the sound of a bird singing, and as the buzzing sound of electricity cables above the tracks. all at the same time, it left me ridiculously tired, but i thought it was maybe better to practise.

on reorganising my final bag of belongings from breda, i found not only a charger for Walkman no.2 but i also found Walkman no.1 - wonderful! so wonderful to hear intricacies in music again. to hear chemistry in music, instead of a simple buffer to city living. and it brought me to remembering how refreshing life could feel before the events of last summer (see "Abide in Me"). and it awoke my yearning to just dance. the ability to "just dance" has also had its challenges. but i was reminded that it was the feeling of simply "being" in music. Home is where the heart is, well quite a few times, that's been in a mix, a blend of music that just lets me be. this is my respite from the struggle, my peace in the storm.

In an Antwerp club, there were always a variety of girls at that point. and a variety of dance styles. I stood with Timmy Jones, a brother figure at the time. i would introduce him to you as simply Timmy, but if he was here now, he would auto-correct me, shake your hand and re-introduce himself as Timmy.. Timmy Jones. leaving in no doubt that James Bond is his hero. we looked out for each other in the club, and had a wonderful ability of spotting each others potential pulling prey. I had a fashion at the time to challenge the boys to dancing the running man. purely for amusement. Timmy Jones.. with flare, took it to his level.

Usher

".. that was great Timmy Jones.. very suave, very very cool, very..erm..you. But I was kind of looking for something a bit more "eighties".
He gave me the biggest compliment once, Nic, its a fine day when you out shadow a black man dancing. i told him my theory, that its really black woman that dance good, and black men do a good two step alongside them. i don't know if he every fully agreed to that, but I'm sure he enjoyed testing the theory out. but that evening, i hadn't planning to overshadow anyone, this inspiration had come from one of a group of girls, who would come to the club in the final hours. when the partiers had faded out, grabbed their coats, and pulled. and instead of the ass shaking, that some girls in the early evening would do.. Timmy Jones would judge it in his way.

"..you know by some girls dancing.. you can tell that they're just not..."Educated"

Iwould leave Timmy to make his own judgements with an ammount of humour..but this girl would come in time for the slow jams and in simple relaxed way, the music channelled her to make golden energy that a jazz diva would hold. and so i would rather try find to be that grace than shake butt. shake butt i could do, but I'd rather then have taken the time for a level of connection beyond that.

Kaysha  - love de toi.

Reacquainting with my two lovely Walkmans, neither of who shall be sold or tampered with. new resolution. God has my faith, music is my religion, so be it, that mp3 players are the apostles of Antwerp, Breda and Rotterdam..... it inspired me to go dance. Friends were unable to, either with prior commitments, or lack of enthusiasm. in these cases, its the story of staying at home naemates, looking forward to another time that may not come. or just going with it, and seeing what life plans.

It turned out that life sewed everything together as it was most needed. sometimes its disappointing that friends aren't able to give the desired outcome, but its not worth becoming tiresome and frustrated about. of course there is justification to feel disappointment, and I'm not condoning that feelings should not be expressed to resolve those issues with friends. but at the end of the day, it takes our own efforts to overstep those heavy feelings, and don't we owe it to ourselves to enjoy life? is our feeling of disappointment really so important to fester upon? I hear this quote a lot, and it must be fashionable for a reason.

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about dancing in the rain"

and concept wise, if the "rain" is friends being unable to support you in something in the way that you had hoped. well overstep the heavy feelings, and dance anyway, from my experience, even if you have to take that opportunity to fly solo, breaking the mould or rut in how you see life as confining you, and you leave open to new possibility and connection. in my experience, life will provide the best or needed outcome for perhaps not just you, but also including those around you, and in that step of flying solo, and learning that you are already provided for, when are you ever actually really alone? i am nurtured, i am encouraged, and i am ready to dance again. C'est dans la joie. Its in the joy.

Mokobe - C'est dans la joie.

 

 

 

 

Wonder..

I am inherently an introvert with extrovert ideas. As life has gone on, I've noticed that its not just my mind and voice that turn in on themselves, but my body just does not want intrusive feelings, or indeed to "let go" of those intrusions once I have them. It’s a difficult conundrum. An instance was Last summer, I had to have a tooth taken out. They assured me it would just take five  minutes, and I would feel little to no pain. Forty five minutes later, and I know it was forty five minutes because I peaked at the clocked through closed eyes, and a mantra "OK tooth I let you go"(at that point I thought anything might work, even the thought of also pulling myself against the pliers, but no..). I have never felt like tipping a dentist before, but seeing that he really got his work out, the temptation was there. As I sat up from the surgery, he could only exclaim

 "My goodness, that was an absolute fucker!"

 This can be the intensity that mind, body and soul function.  and on top of that, feeling somethings to raw capacity, it overwhelms the system.  I have to make conscious effort to keep balance within myself.  I am softly spoken, and sometimes find that I am more so than other times, and when I see it mirror in the face of others, that’s a trigger for me to consider how to pull myself forward again in terms of energy.  If I ignore these triggers, then I'm into dangerous waters. That is something l know of myself.

 A few years ago, I was in those difficult waters of self struggle, and a friend suggested a singing group. To take the pressure out of it that I am singing, I call it musicgroep.  I loved my musicgroep, it was a maternal, nurturing setting where through different singing practise, it encouraged my voice to come forward, and my body language to become more strong in its stance again. It also helped me to connect emotion to my words again.  When you are high sensitive, and you don’t have boundaries to others drama and emotion, it can overwhelm, and as a result I would become numb to it all. For the whole year in musicgroep, they talked about the wonderful moment when one person or another would have their "break-through". I never had that. And then I became homeless. I usually just say that things got chaotic.

But then I found myself standing in a field, because I had to pick up phone credit from the garage, and because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. And then I called my best friend. She said, keep crying if I need to, but keep going. The call finished and I was still standing in the field. OK keep going.. But where..? I don’t know where to go. Within two seconds a friend called. He has been a strong influence in my life, his voice is with strong energy, in good time we've  played like eight year olds, in bad times we've fought like eight year olds, but whatever happens, he is there for me.

 And then I found myself in Utrecht, with a friend of his. A friend who had little to nothing in his apartment. How can those who have nothing, be the happiest to offer everything? As much as the generosity was overwhelming, sharing a mattress and blanket was not an option, and I felt mirrored hesitance from him too. And so then I found myself staying in a hostel in Utrecht.

                             Emeli Sande - Next to Me. (Sometimes, i put music up for your optional pleasure, but this blog, I would really appreciate if you could take time really to watch and listen, reflect and feel the atmosphere and performances, as they are part of this story. Thank you x)
 

I had two more music lessons to go. And through the year, I'd always felt that the song choice, though broad,  was not in my mindset. They were beautiful songs, but they didn’t connect with me. So  I asked for the last lesson to sing something from Emeli Sande.  Next to me.  Because when the storm clouds were rolling in, when I was suffocating from it all, when I was crying in the middle of a field. There were two friends next to me. And I wanted to sing it for them.  To honour them.

 At the musicgroep. They said it was my breakthrough. I sang it just for what had happened. And when you see other people crying when you sing. Well it must have meant something. They asked me to return to the open day and sing it as part of the performance. I said yes. But I was worrying. Can I afford the train again from Utrecht to Breda?. And where the hell am I going  to practise? Staying at the hostel, there is no privacy, and I need privacy to do something intimate. Singing is intimate to me, and only in a room where no one listens, do I practise.

There turned out to be five minutes to practise. It was as the hostel cafe closed, and the staff went to smoke on the patio. I asked to use the wide screen computer, kneeled on the sofa, faced the wall. This is poormans privacy. But I practised.

 

When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished

and I can't seem to find no help or love for free

I know there's no need for me to panic

cause I'll find him, I'll find him next to me

 
When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

when, all I needs a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, will find him next to me

The next morning, a German class trip were getting ready to leave the hostel. I had thought they didn’t like me (or anyone) they were so cold in manner, and solemn. When one guy brought a camera out, I thought it was to take a picture of his girlfriend. It was, but also with me in it. I am not keen on attention, and ultimately do not like having photos taken. But he said softly smiling.

"I heard you sing last night, it was beautiful. You sang from the heart".

 So this is my journey with one song. It connected me to the German couple that I thought disliked me, it connected itself to two important friends. And it connected me to my emotions. But the connection goes further than that  . At present I am still connected to the musicgroep, though it is parent and child, love and forgiving care. I am unable to honour them at the moment with finance or reliability, but they wait with patience. This patience really humbles me, and I hope someday soon to honour what they have given me.  A few days ago, I received an invitation for their "bounding" day. To reconnect, to bind together, and I find my heart connecting them Next to Me.

 

Sometimes a story can ripple in all concepts of time. Until the moments of last year, I  always had this feeling that my actions never have affect, that my simply being and relating to people is entirely my own happiness, and my own challenge. But a year or so ago happenings took learning to a new unexpected level.  I always felt a deep frustration, that there were troubles and frustrations in the world lying on my shoulders to suffocating levels, causing me great anger caught up within, but if I shouted about it, who would listen? Who would act? Who would MAKE change happen?  

 

You can find more about Carolyne on facebook.

So becoming friends with someone who already had a public voice, yet alone in the spotlight, was and remains an alien experience that I live with adjusting to.  Everyone has elements of normal, yet everyone is special, thus everyone should be considered equal.

I was so happy that my friends voice was reaching people with a particular subject, I wrote my "holy shit" moment to brother David. And actually quite reverently, he said that it amazed him how connected we all are. This was the first time I really considered connectedness. It was the first time that I had a conscious move from, I am learning from life, and I am being shaped, both by happiness and by struggle, to - I have affect.  I can have affect. A somewhat overwhelming notion. It is an easy concept for me to feel inspired, to look at others and think how wonderful it is that they have affect in my life. But to realise that I in return influence and affect them or others, well that can sometimes be difficult and in fact an ongoing challenge to accept in notion..  To hear someone with strong voice tell me that I inspire. And then to see it written in black and white, in print. Fast on paper, written in time, well that’s what I  find  overwhelming.  And those holy shit moments, well I relay those to brother David (I have no idea why I am making him sound so reverent in this blog, it must be the change in pope.  Brother David is also in the public eye, but being nurtured into early adulthood with his musicality and toilet humour, it gives  me a different perspective to those already standing in the spotlight. Less intimidating, less barriers.  So  when brother David mentioned his fascination with how connected we all are, it didn’t completely sink in. in fact in hindsight, I was beyond blasé.

 

 And then I saw my friend,  in a concert arena, body surfing through hues of soft orange, purple and blue light. Across a thousand hands ready to carry, it sank in to me that if I am one drop of inspiration, and he inspires this sea of people, even if its for an hour of dancing, then its an honour to be connected with this. At one point he stretches his limbs out exalting in the moment, of being in that moment of happiness, and at first I from a mind and body cast in locked mind, I felt jealous that I couldn’t ever have that feeling and freedom of complete expression of content, happiness, elation.

But these days I look at it differently, shouldn’t this be how it should be? Stretching in rejoice to the support of others, and in turn allowing them to stretch in appreciation by holding them on high. This is a voice being held on high. We need voices in society in order to inspire in various ways, to uplift those needing lifted, those needing carried for a while.  I don’t think it necessarily means that we all have to shout. A lot of people cant raise their voice, and I think if you cant, well that’s OK. But in that case, support someone who voices a passion that you share.  We are only human, and we do need support, even those in the spotlight.

I recently read a book from a friend, its called "Together we build a brighter future" by Salem Samhoud. I am really falling in to connectedness just by living, but to find a book written very clearly, and solidly on it, well i find it quite refreshing. so i may well refer back to this book in future blogs.

 

"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves…   All things are bound together. All things connect. " - Salem Samhoud.

Photograph by Jonathan Oldham (Amsterdam)

 

So how can I explain this web as I've seen it?  Well after semi-considering brother Davids sentiment. Life let the answer unfold, first in a vague suggestion, and then to pretty much suggestion of the undeniable.
 

A few years ago I broke my knee from which I lost my dance., it resulted in being stripped of what I had held very dear. Music and dance. So in clasping to what I could from it. Being banished by life to the sofa. There is a lot of tiredness, healing, and frustration. So escape would come by looking at new music. It was a time where new injury meant that I had to face scars of old injury and reflect.

From somewhere on planet youtube. I found a link for Speech Debelle, which refreshed the that there was still new music being made in which I felt comfortable in. that "home" feeling. And via links, I found music of Kobi Onyame, live at Glastonbury.  OK lets leave that thread there for a moment.  Lets go back further, to days of post-grad study.

 

And I worked in a shop, and round the corner from the shop lived brother David. It is a blessing to have a cuppasoup in a home where musical mixes are created. As I moved to study abroad, David began with a few others to encourage new Scottish talent via soul Karma lounge. And there came in Adele Sande. In the flippant way I did, I looked over many postings of her promotion. I do this, I don’t know why. But once this habit was overcome then I realised, wow, this is talent that inspires me, that lifts me up from tiredness and pain. This is someone who writes cleverly, and whole words just click with  me. Her name is now Emeli.

 So back to circa 2009. a few months after I had first listened to Kobi Onyame, returning to listen to the video links again, I took more time to look into videos of work and inspiration behind the music.  And particularly his road to Glastonbury. For him, an important moment for him to be heard by the industry.  and from there introduced his support. And he introduced his backing singer, Emeli Sande.  So this struck me as connection, but looking from the outside i wondered how many more intricacies to the this web could there have too to encourage each others success?

 This connection planted the seed to an a-ha moment. No, no, no, your getting it wrong..  not the eighties.. Actually lets translate a-ha to the "holy shit" spectrum. A-ha, is a mild tremor that may lead towards a "holy shit" moment.  And holy shit, is not an elongated toilet moment. A holy shit moment happens when something so amazing transpires, I'd almost be in disbelief, were it not for the fact that its accompanied with an air punching "YES! Life is good!!". That, friends is a "holy shit!" moment. 

 So yes the a-ha. The a-ha sewed a seed of thought, how connected is this all? And where does it link to?  Because the link from a painful healing, to Speech Debelle, to Kobi Onyame, to Emeli Sande, to brother David mixing music, to having a cuppa soup and getting "that" kind of warning for putting my feet up on a much loved  new leather sofa. Actually now we are on the subject, nor in fact did he appreciate my new party piece of balancing a pint glass of water on my head (no hands!), in such close vicinity to his very chic investment.

 ".. Nicki.. Put down the water".

 But the idea of how connected we are has kept on flowing.  In fact, perhaps it was flowing before I even knew it existed. When the plot in a story is revealed, and you were previously unaware that there was a story being written..

 Kobi Onyame can be found on facebook or via his youtube channel

 After my knee break, I returned to work with the horses. There was a new team created, and it felt like a really strong sisterhood. One of my sisters there, was also sensitive, and beautiful inside and out. and well, we could create a vibe of humour and joy, and let it flow.  We walk different paths now, but the sisterhood still lives between us. Through friendship, we witnessed how immensely connected our lives can be.

 We were sitting outside, she was smoking, we were exchanging girly stories from the evening before. The evening before, I had decided to investigate more into the field of Dutch hiphop, not just one group but more, more knowledge. But I came to a interview made with my friend in it. Considering to watch it..  stung against my principles, but this time, well lets see.. So mentioned in the interview linked an occasion linked in completely unforeseeable threads of a story. In our girlymode, Max wanted to watch the interview, I answered with reluctant OK. These are my private friends, this is my private life, but they are public.

And as we watched it in an evening, it came to the last question.  The question enquired about a television program that he had participated in, a sort of teenage homeswap.

 "My ex was also in that program, it was years ago..", Max casually mentioned.

 "Oh right.." replied I,  as the interview continued

 "My ex also lived in Rotterdam..  He was also called Nico… " A realisation was coming across her face, not fear, but similar to..

 "Nicki, can we check the website, maybe  his program is there.."

. Max is a hell of a lot more proactive than me, she lives life without hesitation. Whereas I, as the website revealed the next chapter of the evening, felt a closure of doom, I really feel resistant to poking into things.. And so opened the debate

 ".. But Nicki, this is a decision that they made.. This is on TV for the whole world to see.."

 I really still didn’t like the idea. If I am being friends with someone, they should tell me about themselves, by themselves.  This debate was about to really run, as the program followed through house and home of others lives. And then there was the ex. The beautiful Max, had probably been awaiting my reaction

 "..You kissed THAT?!"

 And with head-jilt reaction. Shaking her head vigorously. "Yes, but we didn't use tongues".

 Needless to say, from that moment, our focus concentrated on jovial Nico-isms and his complete focus on what a shitty world is around him.  But to have a look at how this story got to girls laughing around the table. Well, we calculated that threads of the story began to weave around 8 years before either of us had any notion or concept of what the future would bring. Life took four individuals on completely different paths, varying lifestyles and outlooks, and connected us very delicately with side stitching, bordering on transparent, but with strong enough shine to catch the light, and from there let a story shine through. When I look at it, it amazes me to think what was sewn together, and whether laughing around the table was the end point of it or not, well that’s not my business to know. But if my past has been sewn so well with such intricacies, then standing here in the " now", well it gives me a feeling that life has amazing plans in store.  And when life throws  a hardball, this helps me to dance in the rain.

 "Connection also happens if we celebrate life more with respect for nature and for other people. You must have the capacity to not become sombre and negative.  Celebrate life joyfully. That’s what its all about." - Salem Samhoud

 In order to be successfully connected and be aware of its merits, it is suggested that connection with others also comes through better knowledge of yourself, and awareness of your environment. So in the next blog or so, I want to have a look at different areas of this. But in concluding this blog, it leaves me with one predominant thought, which is that, if we are all connected and focus on inspiring instead of judging and chastising each other, what new heights could we reach?  Musicians and Artists support their connections in order to better their situation, but in normal life, i believe we can also support each other a little more. Life is difficult sometimes, so surely through supporting those people we are connected to and likewise viceversa, we can help make life a little easier. But perhaps as you read this, you feel that you are already living with a good team around you, in that case I would love to hear from you.

 

 I am going to finish this blog with a song that uplifts me in listening to it, written by Emeli Sande.

 

"This song is called Wonder.and I wrote it about the wonder within us all, and the light,  and everything special that we can do as people, if we believe.."

      I AM, BECAUSE WE ARE.

I wish I knew how..

So, I stood up and talked in church.

I don't do this often, needless to say I am not in church so very often. The pastor had given space for people to recall any special stories where they felt God had had affect in their lives that week. Well my story was to process a fortnight, of two halves. I do realise that amounts to two weeks.. but  view it then as a fortnight with two tones set within it. If you so wish to join me on this story, then you are much obliged to do this. Stick with it. It gets to the point, I promise.

I was not intending to talk, I never do.. but the first woman gave a story about being reunited with a stolen bike. I wouldn't mind, but I've heard this testimony in church before. and it just made me sigh.. like really? is that what goddy-god is all about in Amsterdam, retrieving stolen bicycles to their rightful owners? A noble cause, but surely there is more to be done than police the (lack of) bike situation. Normally when i have a bit of stomp about such likes, I have this pressure come over me, a sort of spiritual kick up the ass.  The result is me reacting proactively, something that doesn't always feel natural, or willing. And so when i did reach the microphone, I immediately explained that I am not very christian. I don't act in a typically christian manner towards God. I stomp my feet, and i swear at him without this "God fearing" attitude that some seem to advertise themselves as on dating sites. And because of this, sometimes the honesty i get back from the universe can be equally as true in character and raw, and i like it that way.

So,  I was able to recount, what i had told a friend was without doubt one of the most special, and most wonderful weeks of my life. I described my uproot from Breda last year, and finding a room in Utrecht, that through some funny way I made connection with some inspiring poets and spoken word  artists. And that one imparticular had really looked after me last year. Knowing that I could not afford so many luxuries, I would receive emails "are you going to the poetry event? your name is already on the list". How can you repay kindness?

What I didn't manage to recount, and it was maybe due to a hesitance of a non-christian talking to Christians, was the transition from Utrecht to Amsterdam. I had a choice, to go with trial period as a nanny in Utrecht, or to go for an interview/trial day working with horses. Next to music, another passion is horses. I was really over thinking  all the possibilities in the possibilities in the possibilities. The pros and the cons, the pros and cons of the pros, the pros and cons of the cons, and so on. I already knew that god was working through the people that had helped me already. And within myself i have to stop myself from asking constantly, OK I see a pattern of people coming into my life, but why? for what reason? whats it going to conclude to? I have met some people who look at others in terms of there own gain, i DO NOT view it this way, I enjoy people, but my reasoning, is that I will always be affected and affect those who come into my life, and the curiosity lies in the how, and the why. Its the temptation to look at the last page of book as you just begin, and i sometimes still do that. For those "oh no you don'ts" - bite me.  So back to the story, in the last evening in the Utrecht hostel, I prayed in return for relaxing and accepting what would come next. God please give me clarity.

The next morning, I woke and played some of my friends piano music, relaxed, and enjoyed its euphoria. And what seemed an endless list of clear, logical suggestions on what next to do, filled my head. The only problem was, the fecking clarity was for someone else. I was not very impressed. The guy who i had been talking to the day before, saluted me at breakfast, I think perhaps noted my less than enthusiastic morning face. Pulled a hippy sort of dance and said "... did you have a vision or something?".

"No. But i have words." I related the suggestions of what he should do to focus HIS career, and sighed.

"Well, really, thank you so much for thinking of me." With a smile.

"I didn't."  No smile.

                                   (The music is played by my old school friend Ali Pibworth,
                                     http://diyrockshop.co.uk/site/?page_id=2 )

The interview was the next day, and i was still, well. perplexed. Then via facebook, I saw a flier for free theatre in Amsterdam. Ok, Goddy-god, since you are not giving me a direct decision. I'm going to go finish up things, and take a train to Amsterdam. See some theatre, and not cancel the interview at the manege. There was then a bit of an untimely skype meeting with mum, who called as i was getting organised. She gave me a list of  "But! Have you considered(s)".

"Sorry mum, but the battery is running low, and i really have to go for the train."

One should never really fear closing the laptop on their mother on such occaisions. Suffice to say, there was a text message full of question marks to follow. And so i wracked my brain for possibilies to calm her. Its based on my sisters advice as a student. "..you don't need to follow your plan, but aslong as mum thinks you've got one."

"Mum, it will be ok. I'm staying at a Christian hostel."

Once in Amsterdam, I was invited to a second evening where my spoken word friend was  performing. Its called Dag van Empathie, and the aim is to encourage cultural togetherness. It happens on the 3rd of May, this year also in Mozes en Aäronkerk I found it so inspiring to hear stories from different backgrounds. And also from a Jewish Rabi, who talked about how we can move on from difficult pasts. Some music was played, and I took time to look at the beautiful art, which felt spiritual to me. (I was later told by a christian friend, that the Mozes en Aäronkerk is a mosque. it makes no difference to me. It felt spiritual enough for me to exasperate , "God, what. do. you. want me to do??". I was so tired of thinking about possibilities, I just needed a sign, that and/or a lot of patience. (More information can be found about Dag Van Empathie on Facebook).

Throughout the last year, I received so much support from friends, both brotherly, and inspirational, and that grandparent sort of nurturing, that its a constant thought as to how i can repay kindness. And  in this first week, two friends, both of great support to me, but unknown to each other, united and discussed plans of creating something really special. It was so beautiful to see those moments where you know absolutely one hundred percent that something wonderful is being envisioned by them both. And as time goes on, i will let you know exactly what this is. But that now becomes their story, and i smile as i think about it building.

The following evening, i received an invitation by a musical friend, in fact he had been the one i was meeting at the open poetry night, where i met the spoken word girl (and so here, is a hint towards a whole iceberg of connectedness!). I had the opportunity to go and watch a debut of a new album being worked upon. It was also being worked on with a lot of honour and emotion. And all of a sudden it struck me, that all of these connections, sewn together to create and inspire, were being developed even whilst i fretted over which way to go, whilst i lacked faith in what was being created, it was still being created. I would of course like to be in credit of it all, and take decisions that will give me great advantage, but taking time to step back and look at the patterns arising through travelling from one Dutch city to another. Something wonderful was being created around me, and it was created by something much greater than i can completely concieve.

To conclude the wonderful week, I am going to quickly introduce you to an older couple that i clean for. A cleaning job is an even more wonderful employment, if you have opportunity to laugh, and join intellectually stimulating discussion with your employers. This couple will, I am sure have their own stories, and humour to relate. But to conclude this week, with homemade Dutch chicken soup, and sparkly water in a wine glass, whilst looking over the old Gein canal, well it makes an exceptional week even more special.

The second part of the story, actually runs over. And has given me much more learning than at the time i could relay to the christians. Sometimes it is utterly heart sinking to watch a friend sink into a dark chaos, despite showing support again, and again, and again. In some ways it makes me so sad to see, I can see the reasons why something as ammounted to a situation, why some situations become so desperate that a friend could feel so recklace with their own life. It makes me very sad, and as a result of course i want to show my support. No man is alone. My dad always says that when hillwalking, to walk at the speed of the slowest walker, so should that be seen in life too?  This is a path where i have definately appreciated where i can show support, the direction of the path is ultimately at the decision of the walker, and respect ultimately has to be given to that, no matter how difficult it may be.

As I stepped out of the church, fairly amazed that i'd been there to show insight unintended. I had no expectation that life still had to show me some lessons in this area. I overthink things, I see the what ifs in the the what ifs. I dont play chess, but sometimes life feels like chess to me. which move to make?

 

 

 

Photograph- Jonathan Oldam Photography (Amsterdam)

 

 

The weather this week in Amsterdam has been appaulling, and some part of me was still very worried about the friend, what was best to do, what should i do? And so one errand was made on his behalf, part of me had already decided that this would be the last. I care for him, but we are makers of our own mess, and i am not there to clean everything up. I have an ex boyfriend who was very sensitive to his environment. I was never in tune like he was, but it was fascinating in some respects. We all have different ways of learning, and I've said this to some book-hardy christian friends, I am never going to sit down and retain everything i read, and believe it. I am never going to listen with full concentration in class, but show me something where i can learn hands on, and it sinks in as acceptable.  So cycling through the wind and snow, and fulfilling this errand, something in my being felt completely, this is the line now. No more struggle towards cleaning a mess, where he doesn't make effort himself.

And to enforce this point. I decided to find some beads in which to make jewellery. And i found myself by the hippyshop. I go there sometimes because I feel balance in my energy from the stones that they sell. There was a lady doing Angel readings, and for some reason, it felt right to ask. Not in desperation, but really it felt like a time out moment, OK... lets evaluate the current situation. Without going into details of everything, the main card that fell out of the pack, shouted the point of it all. Shut up. take time to chill. "God is in Control". ..."please remember that". I had to laugh. whether this challenges your comfort in reading or not. For me aside from the obvious, it confirms my last theory in this blog. Its a theory that's building, but this is what I have so far..

The theory is so far.. that God doesn't just work through Christianity, and Christians trying to work out how to develop their own concepts of christian values.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe and respect that Jesus existed, and had a special path to take. But my thought is this, and remains this. If all the written scriptures in the world, regardless of religion.  If all the scriptures that are held onto so dearly as truth were burned. Then surely God would still want to reach us?

I really do not think that he is standing on a pedestal saying, well luvvies, to be close to me, or within me, you can only go through a certain route.  Someone who loves, acts in terms of others needs. someone who loves will go beyond their own comfort and boundaries in order to show that. So if an all loving God looks at the current situation, where in an MTV culture not even hiphop(pop) to the masses keeps it real these days.  So perhaps it could be that he turns his thought to how to work within those who are not aware of.. or not aware that they are, already working within the love of life. so my perspective here takes a different tangent to how Christians would typically see it as only believers in Christ to be living within Gods love. So how ever you want to call it, the universe/creator/god/life.. has already places blessings and skills within people in order to affect those living life. By using creativity, nature, humour, positivity, music, dance, anything else that causes meaningful affect, well the result is, that it moves people, challenges people, empowers, inspires, heals and uplifts through connecting people and creativity in different ways. I think that I will try write a new blog on this, just to explain my reasoning further.

So through different ways in the last weeks, my learning has been to realise and celebrate blessings in life, and whilst being open to feel and act in situations to  show love for others, to remain grounded in developing self respect, and to fall in love with life. Life is in control, and I am learning how rest in that, and re-fall in love with it all.