STAND UP for kids in Kenya. A benefit concert by spoken word artist Leslie Ebony

Mini showcase - Daar Ergens

Juize Exclusive: Mini showcase Akwasi: http://youtu.be/_ZtzOHVZRvA

http://soundcloud.com/fsgreen/nsj-live-set

Mongoose - Petrify

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yqv1iNzFuIo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

So this is the guy I saw perform on Saturday. Its been a lot time since I put attention to the music scene. Up until a few weeks ago, it was complete compulsion to embed myself in the project. And I do think it had to be done that way to get things done.

The week before, I went to church. Mostly to give praise for help in getting the first course under my belt. When you know that your purpose is being encouraged at different levels, it makes the feel of absolute stress and pressure somewhat do-able. I'm sure I should enjoy life, that's the mission, but sometimes, the process of working towards the purpose can bring up feelings and situations that aren't so pleasant. Anyway, my first certificate for Ttouch training is in the bag. And the whole path to get it was full of blessings and encouragement.

During the week I stayed at a youth hostel in bath. A lot more homely feeling than amsterdam. I shared a room one evening with a model who had worked with Kate Moss. And she thought I was 22! Having worked with Kate Moss.. well that's credentials for extremely good judgement.   I told the news to a friend,

So let me get this straight.. you're 34 next week, but going by ..22?

Yes.

So in church, I've been noticing a pattern. There is sort of split between those who want to live. And those who are fearful of what's outwith the walls of their church community.  Last week when I had been to church, there had be a guy involved in outreach work. His questions were,

Where have you seen god at work?

In who have you seen god at work?

A guy came in late and sat at our table. He's been a guest speaker too, but with a different tangent. The following question, was how can we bring our purpose to show gods love in the kingdom?

Latecomer could not grasp the concept. His view was that god only works with christians and the church. My view still is, that say all present biblical knowledge was erased from social memory, if god is the greatest unconditional love, surely he would still want to impact our lives. And it is my belief he/she does this regardless of whether you are christian or not.

When I was living in the christian shelter, there was a fear of the volunteers going to nightclubs, because of the bad influence that might be around.

On Saturday night, I was in a nightclub watching Mongoose and the beatbox perform. Between songs, as the tempo changed, he took time to ask the crowd what their definition of love is. What does love mean to you? Wat is liefde? Someone shouted.. God is Love.

Jaa sowieso! Put your fist in the air if you think that God is Love!

The crowd raised their hands.

Happy Burns night!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTAyVD7h_oY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Inspirations

<o>)

Be humble
be

one flower
one hive

be humble 
be

healing
nature
all time

be humble
be

self intoxicating
live the give

be humble be
be

a just be
be honey
be
(<o>)


Written by Unom Jg.  Unom's spoken word performances are just amazing. You can find more details at Poetry Circle NoWhere in Amsterdam.  His next peformance is Circ/Us at Dansmakers Amsterdam from the 4th til the 12th of January 2014. More details can be found on his Facebook page. 

David Craig #3 live on Inthemix.me

Akwasi - Wedstrijd live op 'Samen Door Mandela' Melkweg, Amsterdam

Akwasi - Wedstrijd live op 'Samen Door Mandela' Melkweg, Amsterdam

Akwasi - Testament live op 'Samen Door Mandela' Melkweg, Amsterdam

Magic - Eddi Reader

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds--9aM_7E8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Goodbye world, Hello - Kobi Onyame

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leRyct1Tw7c&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Spijt - Akwasi & Rob De Kay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrBz8uyKxBg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

..Spinnin

" this is for the black on my fist,
this is for the tat on my wrist,
this is for the S in my lisp
this is for my beating heart
on the chest,on the left,
yes, life ain't for the swift,
but for those who can endure
so I hold it with two hands
and more,
and I answer every time it is calling.
and you tell it in my aura,
you can tell I'm a soldier,
you can see the strength in my eyes,
and I hope you can see the strength in my vibe
cause sometimes I get tired
cause its hard out here.

Spinnin by Speech Debelle

its really a strong belief with me that God turned to Jesus and Mohamed one day and said to the affect, "Guys, you did good, honestly you did good, but theres all these people that are just not paying attention, and I'm going to have to work on them in a different way, or different ways.." this is not a precise dialogue, i wasn't there at the time. but its my heavy handed supposition. in other words, it goes like so... if all the religious knowledge evaporated from being, and all the religious books were burnt. if there is a living, affective god/life/love/whatever you want to call it, surely he wouldn't lie redundant with all ties cut, he would surely want to make at least an attempt to connect with his creation. its just a suggestion. and its just a suggestion that there is new movement of people, affecting others through their spoken word. through their art. through their music. if god is love, and love exists in different mediums, then god exists through different mediums, not just one book.

i already introduced you to one creative friends through spoken word.  the last thing i talked to him about was whether pain could be eliminated through only belief. he said yes it was possible to reason out pain. he said that i could reason it by saying "pain..i have learnt my lesson". but i hadn't learnt any lesson yet, really i just wanted to return to normal life. i wanted to be able to go to work, i wanted t be able to cycle home in the summer evenings. that particular week had been planned for new work, and new projects to begin, and instead i could only sit, rest and dwell in a haze of pain killers.

when my knee was broken in Breda., Marije kicked my ass for venturing to the shops, in town, from the country, via a few snow drifts, with crutches. And this time wasn't as bad. This time, because it was a good idea, and a nice idea of seeing a talented group of people perform at their best. The theatre was performed at the Oerol festival, on the island of Terschelling. Its a really cool festival where theatre is inspired by it's location.

As I left the house, David's old mix came on. I still find it one of his best mixes, some of the tunes may have aged, but bittersweet feelings through it, make it heartfelt and true in vibe. it was made in memory of his mama. and it gives me strength.

When I stepped off the boat, I wasn't really feeling the inspiration. Wind and rain are my nemesis, which is why I ran away from Scotland. A friend had cancelled last minute, and normally I'd enjoy the flying solo. but not with shit weather. when the bus arrived, I asked him to drop me off in the town where I could collect the tickets. he shouted the stop. but it turned to be a stop too early. I asked the man in a shop for directions
"oh back to the main road and its ten minutes by bike.."
".. and with crutches?" asks I.

It took rather longer than five minutes, and because I'm not good at gauging my own pain sometimes, there is a moment where it all of a sudden hits. normally with a good grain of stupid stubbornness. and to make sure that I knew my way. foolproof. I asked the man at the ticket office where I should go, and what I could do with my friends extra ticket.

"well perhaps you can go up those stairs and make a suggestion to the deejay.."he proposes.
"..I have crutches." says I.
"...and for the location... its easy, you go to location 22... its ten minutes by bike.."
"..and with crutches?" asks I.

I actually made good time. and as I walked through the country roads, birds would chorus, "there will be blessing, there will be blessing.." and I blank it out. because I need to concentrate on where I'm going. and I haven't to trust that instinct, when I'm in softer mind, then I could feel thought or intention from horses mainly, but they are not reliable, and include ego, and their own lessons to learn. and so despite symbolism from birds before, which has saved me from difficult situations, I am still full of doubt. heavy doubt.

and it grew to be angry doubt. I stood in line at the location, and double checked with the family in front as to whether it was the right location. and it wasn't. the correct location was 45 minutes back into the town. it sunk like lead balloon. I stood for a minute and worked out my choices. I could either go back to the festival grounds, find the boy, and beat him up with my crutches. a two crutch wallop would certainly ease frustration. the second choice was to onwards, though when you're in the middle of nowhere, that is the only choice really.

by this point I was getting tired and sore, and frustrated. and angry with god. if everything happens for a reason, I am failing to see any sensible reason at the moment goddygod. this is not funny anymore.

I got to the location 15 minutes before the end of the play. just tired, and just exasperated at the whole fucking situation. and then there were two ladies watching from the gate. one, who reminded me of David's mum, took one look and asked me to tell her what was wrong, and then every tear of tiredness and frustration came.

as the crowd stood in ovation, the manager came to us, and invited us to dance with crowd. the lady talked the manager, and the manager gave me a stool. and above a seagull soared "you will be blessed, dry your eyes". The manager was lovely, and invited for dinner and to watch the following performance.

The weather worked with the performance. it was based on rites of passage, and change in bonds of friendship to the point of separation. The weather fluxed between scenes, from mild wind, to sea squall. and at the point of climax, Paulien stepped forward and looked to the sky before dropping to the ground and screaming. and in that first moment, as she looked up to sky, the sun broke through almost to highlight beauty and struggle. It was definitely the first time that day I had admired the weather.

Reaching mainland again, I waited on the bus back to Amsterdam. and just before the bus departed, the lady who stood next to the lady who had listened sat beside me on the bus. and pointed out that her friend was outside, through smiles and thumbs up gestures I was able to signal that a lovely evening had been had due to her encouragement. the stitch and weave of connection had brought priceless blessing.

Akwasi Ansah's Daar Ergens project

the last couple of weeks in this month came with huge blessings, and submersion into the shadows. friends asked me to look after their apartment whilst they were on honeymoon. moving from a small room to small apartment was bliss, time to be me, time to process me.

I am high sensitive, and I am softened and strengthened by music, and I am supported by nature, and I am open to feeling things in great measures. someones progression in life can give so much rejoice, yet on the other hand, listening to bitterness, fear, division can send me into a whirlpool into which only which surprise encounters can anchor me. each time regaining balance is an experiment.

I know triggers that I should avoid. but sometimes, if I issue needs to be talked about. there appeared a link on facebook via the guardian. on one hand I knew I should avoid because of my own mental health repercussions, on the other hand it was more important for it to be shared and talked about. The link below is challenging to watch, but in honour of those who suffer torture, or post traumatic stress disorder, or secondary post traumatic stress disorder, I thought it was important to watch it all. for they don't have a choice as to long they endure it, even after the events.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

 

Exposure to a stressful event or situation (either short or long lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone.

Persistent remembering or "reliving" the stressor by intrusive flash backs, vivid memories, recurring dreams, or by experiencing distress when exposed to circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor.

Actual or preferred avoidance of circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor (not present before exposure to the stressor).

Either (1) or (2):

1. Inability to recall, either partially or completely, some important aspects of the period of exposure to the stressor
2. Persistent symptoms of increased psychological sensitivity and arousal (not present before exposure to the stressor) shown by any two of the following:

• difficulty in falling or staying asleep;
• irritability or outbursts of anger;
• difficulty in concentrating;
• hyper-vigilance;
• exaggerated startle response

This link features Def mos undergoing force feeding as subjected to those prisoners who are now in the midst of trying to practise Ramadan whilst imprisoned on Guantanamo bay.

I cannot fathom why this is being allowed to happen in a land who boasts democracy, honour and justice.

that's my rationale view, my emotional view overloads and overwhelms. it bases foundation nine years ago, in protective love to a would have been husband, to a would have been papa to the unborn child who whispered three months in..mummy it's just not the right time.  To delve more into this, is not my meaning, his story and our story for the main part rests in peace, and wont be shared on this blog. my experience of secondary post traumatic stress disorder has been the following.

uncontrollable distress, heavy grief, helpless feelings of isolation
eagerness to walk on eggshells. to make situations as easy as possible for him.
ambivalence to the rest of the world
sleep patterns disturbed, putting off bedtime because you know you cant sleep without crying for the whole situation.
chest pains and headaches.
and you become more cautious as to what movies you watch, and which may include triggers.
and you escape into music.


, secondary post traumatic stress disorder is not officially recognised but there are websites to counsel I believe such as. but I am not a veterinary wife, and I have pushed on in my own way. life has given opportunities for me to heal, but also leaves heavy and oppressive reminders from time to time. it is not easy to watch the link bu I hope that you gain insight in measuring your own feelings and reaction to such violation..

This trigger in a week where a lot of things felt like they were falling apart. I've mentioned the support of brothers before, and when that support and friendship changes and backfires without reasonable discussion its an exasperating and sad feeling. I understand reasons why things have to be and are to be, but that does not mean that it heavy feeling followed by resignation, and  eventually strange sense of peace that god/life/love has its reasoning's. but these take time to settle, and in losing an anchor of friendship, its distressing and disorientating.

High sensitive people are equipped with different skills. In Breda, Zussie could tell when a horse was not well or sick far before he showed any symptoms. a habit of mine seems to be helping people make to make connections. and these connections go towards creating greater things. it is a nice feeling to see creative people connect, but part of my learning in this is to "let go",  I am simply there to introduce, and let them do their thing. but sometimes I can short circuit, and it happened in the week where secondary ptsd kicked in, and I lost a good friend.
My boss chatted with me that I do have talent, but aswell as enjoying the sunshine, sometimes we have to fall in the shadows. if its a hot day of sunshine, shadows can bring relief, but my shadows go to excess, almost to disconnect again, and I to re-evaluate how I open I want to be? are the highs worth the very lows? how will I handle it the next time someone I connect disappoints or hurts me? should I expect that good inspiring moments are balanced with despair, and lets describe it as hard drive crash. can I not reboot and prevent falling deep in shadows? or should I resign that for months of uninterrupted coolness, I can expect a week or two in order to reboot.  in practical assessment of time, we are looking three days to spiral, one evening to crash, and two to three days of hangover and adjustment. that's almost a working week.

and so Saturday I went to the Kwaku festival in south Amsterdam. I sat beside the stage,a little boy talked to me about numbers. when he found out that numbers are not my strong point. he gave me valuable advice.

"if you buy something for 4 euros, and you give the man 5 euros, you get 1 euro back"

"I think I will need you as an accountant for my shopping" says I.

when life get so complicated?  I stood in the audience, hoping that music would be the complete anchor. it turned out not to be. and it brought me disappointment, not in the music, but that my whirlpool of disconnected feeling was getting deeper.

and as I stood feeling completely overwhelmed in shadows,  and for beautiful space in time, Sarah-Jane sang from the stage. giving me new sensation and contrast. It seemed to be this time standing in the shadows allowed me to be lot more sensitive to other peoples creativity and sunshine. her first song of energy which nearly blew me away. third song, was like that moment of sunshine through the dark clouds. which gave hope. music is love. it supports, it carries, and in encourages. and it reminds me to hold on. this was one of the songs which brought emotion to my eyes. complete love. just as Paulien in the theatre had caught sight of sunlight before her crash. music gave me a shot of sunlight through the clouds. 

You can follow the link here to Fade Away by Sarah-Jane and the Xperience at www.sarahjanemusiq.com, i hope that you can take time to look now at her page. if you scroll down, the first song that appears is Fade Away, press play, put the volume up, close your eyes and listen. I put music through the blogs not only out of interest, but also to help portray the feeling and tone of what i am going through. so for this tact, i would really appreciate it if you follow through on this part of the journey. pleasethankyoutaaa.

 More happenings can be found on her facebook page - SarahJaneMusiq

as I walked home from the festival, a guy passed me by and asked if I was tired. I've stopped walking with crutches, but my foot is still sore, and frustrating that I am not able to walk at decent pace.

"no I'm not tired. this knee is fucked, and my other foot is very sore".

"wat zielig ben jij."

Fuck no. I am not to be pitied. and instead of taking the train, I aimed to walk home.

using money on Amsterdam public transport is like pissing money away in the wind. despite having scorned at the birds, their intentions shone through. don't walk, use the money to look after yourself, have faith that you will be provided for.  I can try to relax into that knowledge, but the insecurity of not knowing how finance will secure the health care I need, causes a nagging stress, and the reminder that my cash flow is insecure can pull the carpet from below my feet. and that feeling is a nemesis which takes effort to over-ride. what I can do is place hope that finances will become more secure, my prayer is that it secures in the quickest time possible. I feel itchy in frustration, and it rolls me over in stinging nettles.

today though, I cycled the first time in a week, and I processed my fears of feeling broken through lack of finance, and division of friendships.  and as I cycled past the lake, the sunset shone through the clouds. they say every cloud has a silver lining, but not always, this time was gold lining on pink sky. life has beautiful plans, and if I roll with it, it will give me more insight. and I hope that day of feeling peaceful comes again soon.

the world keeps spinning, changing the lives of people in it, nobody knows where it will take us, but i hope it gets better better better....

...music is healing.. i love the feeling,

one day all people ... will be all equal

until that day comes... i'll just keep singing... (Spinnin- Speech Debelle )

C'est dans la joie

 

Hey, I'd like to thank the creator for giving me this gift, and I'd like to thank you for being reflections of this gift, because sometimes you feel like you're by yourself a little.." - Erica Badu, Yeyo.

This week, spring has come to Amsterdam! at long last! and it allows me to see pockets of life where Amsterdam reveals the warmth and fun behind it. after school finishes, families round the amstel collect around picnic tables, benches I've cycled past unnoticed are filled with every kind of people. the warmth brings out the warmth, and i quite like it.

I was given a ticket to go see the Van Gogh museum. It had been sort of a reward for rebelling against organised group activities.. I really couldn't find the enthusiasm to take part in the easteregg hunt. So i went to the toilet, and when i came back, i was given an egg anyway. fair enough thought i.

I'd had a slight awareness of Van Gogh living in the south, my home was two villages away from his birthplace of Zundert, i didn't work this out until about a year or so into grocery trips. driving past vogh's self portrait on the welcome to zundert sign suddenly had meaning. well, better late than never. In visiting his exhibition in the Hermitage, Amsterdam., there were three things that struck me overall where his ethos was concerned, firstly was his absolute obsessive painting in the moment. to grab every possible feeling of the in that "now". Secondly was his interest in Japanese art and religious attention to nature and its affect.  He wrote letters to his brother marvelling at Japanese way of living with respect to their environment.

 

 

"..isn't it almost a new religion that these Japanese teach us. Who are so simple and live in nature as though they themselves are flowers. And wouldn't we be able to study Japanese art it seems to me without becoming much happier and more cheerful. and it makes us return to nature, despite our education and our work in a world of convention." - Van Gogh's thoughts in a letter to his brother Theo.

I was then very drawn to a second painting, and i really wasn't sure why at first. I preferred some others to it, others had sometimes more intricate brushwork, sometimes colours that i found more touching. but the energy that came off this one painting, brought that buzz to my hands. I have this buzz if i am around crystal stones, or more recently i found it also in spoken word with heart felt intention. Its just funny sometimes if you feel a good energy from something, but you have absolutely no rationale as to why. Reading the side posting, it described Van Gogh's hope in building an artistic community. Can all this good energy come from the mere hope of something? if so, how fantastic would it be. The Yellow House.

La Maison et son entourage, La Rue. courtesy of  http://www.parisprovencevangogh.com

I found some more information about Van Gogh, and gradually about his flatmate, and co-learner in art, Gauguin. Van Gogh wanted to have impact on people. and viewed painting as a constant path of learning to create art, he painted in the "now" but was also eager to learn from his peers. 

So I decided to look a bit further into Van Gogh, it niggles me though if I look at something I've written and it doesn’t really  fulfil what I want it to say. Which means extra enquiry, a little more that what I'd actually intended! Lazy student - moi? Well yes, my history teacher would have you believe something on this line, for some reason we didn’t click. I wasn’t too bad as a student, but a second to top for attainment in history class, and second to bottom for attitude and effort in history class, meant really I shouldn’t have written on that desk, shouldn't have.. ? really? why not write on the desk..?

.So it was a surprise module in university that made history interesting again.   An spirited study session with my one of my flatmates a thought provoking textbook, and fairly substantial measures of Baileys and ice. our new study method and discussion saved us from summer resits.  Our text book made history thought provoking and interesting, it was Landscape and memory by Simon Schama. 

 Simon Schama's suggestion is that the landscape around us is not just the physical, but is layered with connections that we make with it from past memories, emotions and future hopes. Through discussing war, ancient culture, and modernisation, he looks at  how we continually shape and are shaped by the land, our national character defined by what is around us, a deep and ancient connection with our environment.  He suggests,

It is in vain to dream of a wilderness distant from ourselves. There is none such. It is the bog in our brains and bowels, the primitive vigour of nature in us, that inspires that dream.''
 

 And if its really taken down to organic root levels, then it also ties to what  Van Gogh is trying to honour in his painting of the potato eaters, where its suggested that the browns of the earth connect full circle, the eating of what they have cultivated from the earth is now celebrated.  Van Gogh showing the most pure and organic connection with habitat around us was to be celebrated.  In conveying these thoughts, I'm not suggesting that we should throw away the lives that we like living, but just suggesting that we take time to evaluate the life that's built around us. Which parts of our environment do we connect to? which parts connect to us? which parts rejuvenate and inspire? which parts are organic, and which parts are synthetic? which bits are healthy, and which bits are not?

 Schama described that van gogh's mental health problems were both the catalyst and downfall to his art, and it was between those moments where a creative explosion would capture beauty. Van Gogh in his letters described awareness of his increasing bouts of illness. And in those moments of health, would summon confidence and courage to capture moments of nature.

 "If you work with love and intelligence, you develop a kind of armour against people's opinions, just because of the sincerity of your love for nature and art. Nature is also severe and, to put it that way, hard, but never deceives and always helps you to move forward.” - Van Gogh

 In expecting Gauguin to come and stay, he then anticipated a strength of creative force in combining two such different artistic styles. And who knows in the end which frictions, personal rivalry, difference in lifestyle, difference in artistic process… led to increasingly difficult mood swings from Van Gogh, and perhaps also escalating power struggles with Gauguin.. But what is true, is that in those nine weeks, over forty masterpieces were created between both Van Gogh and Gauguin which is a remarkable accomplishment.

 "I feel such a creative force in me: I am convinced that there will be a time when, let us say, I will make something good every day , on a regular basis....I am doing my very best to make every effort because I am longing so much to make beautiful things. But beautiful things mean painstaking work, disappointment, and perseverance.”  - Van Gogh.

 

In walking around the van Gogh museum, his wish to connect peoples emotion with the moment, and with his portrayal of real life beauty, his legacy really is fulfilled.   And whilst being an example of inspiration for future expressionists to follow, his strength of character in living through his own struggles and pressure can surely also be an inspiration in its own affect.  To look at a painting, and see the life in a ladies eyes. A real lady with concerns, sadness and frustration, through Van Gogh's portrayal, i can connect with her emotions captured hundred of years before.  and in a time where mental illness could not be fully understood or supported, I'm in awe of the mental strength and resilience he had to weather such stormy cycles, its fascinating to think of outbursts of creativity between storms clouds of mental illness. on one hand a pilgrimage of struggle, on the other hand mastery of colour, movement and foundation in which many could be inspired through expressionism. 

 

What am I in the eyes of most people — a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person — somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then — even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything, based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum.” 


In the past, during more difficult situations i have wondered if strength of heart has indeed been strengthened. when the heart pain and anxiety is so great you have to literally strap it with a belt to relieve the pressure, i did wonder at times if it all this emotional stuff was worth it in a practical sense. I would love to say that this is steeped in melodrama, melodrama would be simple. but when emotions overload to impede physical living life, you really have to question it a bit. on some of the lighter occasion, heavier occasions i kept to being a private affair, but those lighter times where i was able to process it further, i would seek Davids advice.

And the wisdom that sticks to mind, was over a distressful unfathomable outburst I'd had from someone. And whilst he could also could not reason for it, sometimes he said, there are just situations that we cannot explain, but that they are there to bring us maturity. Some of the most beautiful things, are created through struggle and pressure, favourite examples of his being diamonds, and salmon.

feeling slightly weathered and not really eager to mature, or be honed.

"Thank you David, I'm quite happy not to be challenged, in fact at the moment I really wouldn't mind just being a Tuna".

But sometimes life doesn't really give you a luxury of choosing. And in hindsight, I am glad that it doesn't. One day, I am sure that there will be a little book of reflections on a Salmon.  so really keeping things salmon, Van Gogh is a hero, mastering his life struggles in balance with his art and leaving a legacy of colour, and emotional connection in which he as affect on peoples lives. And when looking at the colours and textures of his works, we are really reminded of his own emotional depths, and that's awesome to be affected by someones soul.

courtesy of the BBC.

 

 


two years ago, i decided to retire from buying Walkmans (mp3 players, I'm not that retro) and in losing my second Walkman charger, and first Walkman actually. i went with Zussie to buy a new one on sale, for being considerably younger than me, she was remarkably good at reminding me it was just for something to listen to this time. money mattered, and not quality of sound. three weeks ago, it came to be that i lost my cheap mp3, and in a moment of irony, on my table sat the charger from cheapo, and Walkman no.2. if there are moments that i cannot find my mp3 for the commute to Amsterdam, i take it as an opportunity to practise listening and coping with the world around. every sound seemed to be filtrating the same frequency for the duration. the sound of footsteps was the same intensity as the sound of a ticket being checked, as the sound of a bird singing, and as the buzzing sound of electricity cables above the tracks. all at the same time, it left me ridiculously tired, but i thought it was maybe better to practise.

on reorganising my final bag of belongings from breda, i found not only a charger for Walkman no.2 but i also found Walkman no.1 - wonderful! so wonderful to hear intricacies in music again. to hear chemistry in music, instead of a simple buffer to city living. and it brought me to remembering how refreshing life could feel before the events of last summer (see "Abide in Me"). and it awoke my yearning to just dance. the ability to "just dance" has also had its challenges. but i was reminded that it was the feeling of simply "being" in music. Home is where the heart is, well quite a few times, that's been in a mix, a blend of music that just lets me be. this is my respite from the struggle, my peace in the storm.

In an Antwerp club, there were always a variety of girls at that point. and a variety of dance styles. I stood with Timmy Jones, a brother figure at the time. i would introduce him to you as simply Timmy, but if he was here now, he would auto-correct me, shake your hand and re-introduce himself as Timmy.. Timmy Jones. leaving in no doubt that James Bond is his hero. we looked out for each other in the club, and had a wonderful ability of spotting each others potential pulling prey. I had a fashion at the time to challenge the boys to dancing the running man. purely for amusement. Timmy Jones.. with flare, took it to his level.

Usher

".. that was great Timmy Jones.. very suave, very very cool, very..erm..you. But I was kind of looking for something a bit more "eighties".
He gave me the biggest compliment once, Nic, its a fine day when you out shadow a black man dancing. i told him my theory, that its really black woman that dance good, and black men do a good two step alongside them. i don't know if he every fully agreed to that, but I'm sure he enjoyed testing the theory out. but that evening, i hadn't planning to overshadow anyone, this inspiration had come from one of a group of girls, who would come to the club in the final hours. when the partiers had faded out, grabbed their coats, and pulled. and instead of the ass shaking, that some girls in the early evening would do.. Timmy Jones would judge it in his way.

"..you know by some girls dancing.. you can tell that they're just not..."Educated"

Iwould leave Timmy to make his own judgements with an ammount of humour..but this girl would come in time for the slow jams and in simple relaxed way, the music channelled her to make golden energy that a jazz diva would hold. and so i would rather try find to be that grace than shake butt. shake butt i could do, but I'd rather then have taken the time for a level of connection beyond that.

Kaysha  - love de toi.

Reacquainting with my two lovely Walkmans, neither of who shall be sold or tampered with. new resolution. God has my faith, music is my religion, so be it, that mp3 players are the apostles of Antwerp, Breda and Rotterdam..... it inspired me to go dance. Friends were unable to, either with prior commitments, or lack of enthusiasm. in these cases, its the story of staying at home naemates, looking forward to another time that may not come. or just going with it, and seeing what life plans.

It turned out that life sewed everything together as it was most needed. sometimes its disappointing that friends aren't able to give the desired outcome, but its not worth becoming tiresome and frustrated about. of course there is justification to feel disappointment, and I'm not condoning that feelings should not be expressed to resolve those issues with friends. but at the end of the day, it takes our own efforts to overstep those heavy feelings, and don't we owe it to ourselves to enjoy life? is our feeling of disappointment really so important to fester upon? I hear this quote a lot, and it must be fashionable for a reason.

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about dancing in the rain"

and concept wise, if the "rain" is friends being unable to support you in something in the way that you had hoped. well overstep the heavy feelings, and dance anyway, from my experience, even if you have to take that opportunity to fly solo, breaking the mould or rut in how you see life as confining you, and you leave open to new possibility and connection. in my experience, life will provide the best or needed outcome for perhaps not just you, but also including those around you, and in that step of flying solo, and learning that you are already provided for, when are you ever actually really alone? i am nurtured, i am encouraged, and i am ready to dance again. C'est dans la joie. Its in the joy.

Mokobe - C'est dans la joie.

 

 

 

 

Abide with me..

Foreword - for those sensitive who are simply needing guidance  through the haze. Don’t worry about reading my story at this moment. Further down this scroll are a couple of lists with suggestions that might help you to feel more conscious and reconnected again.

 

Abide with Me - Emeli Sande

 

 

 

Last summer my time was split. I was living  in a hostel, where incredibly close connections were made.  The sort that big brother contestants talk about, without the cctv. And whilst it was wonderful to meet so many people, for being sensitive, it was not always so ideal.  There was

 Lack of space to maintain my own energy

 

Distraction from good diet, and a good sleep pattern

 

Crowds of people constantly around

 

Periods of change, in group dynamics, chemistry and emotion.

No possibility of exercising my normal vehicles of strength - horses, music, dancing. 

 

 

I was younger I'd be profoundly affected by somethings more than others. We had a utility room built into the house. And I could not get used to its strong smell, but I did develop a technique  of holding my breath to collect towels, or to pick something out of the freezer. Sometimes dad would put on Scottish music on, for a family ceilidh (non Scottish people, pronounced kay-lay) and I love to dance. For the fast dances, I would skip around, when the waltz was played, I would retire to the sofa feeling unusually sad. I had my own room, and Sunday afternoons, I would spend hours making mix tapes. I think this is when strength in music started to grow. When I used to get frustrated about things, by brother would say, "but you're just sensitive", and only now does it make sense.

 The year before last, I'd go out partying with my sister team, and I preferred one place to others. It had a reputation for being tacky, but the chemistry was great, it was a place I could feel good vibes from. Take me to the place next door, and it was itchy for a fight. Yet working in the countryside, I could feel aware of other things spiritually. But felt I had an understanding, I respect their space, they respect mine. And it worked there. There were sometimes somethings tried to "play" but my sense of being in control was strong, and it seemed to balance things.  But moving Amsterdam, well it took things to a different level.And toward the latter part of my stay there something opened my eyes to other things. To be called high sensitive. I think there are different layers and different levels. From what I see on forums, some are more perceptive in some areas than in others

 It put into an experience where I could witness how strong and malicious something can be.  There had been a fellow cleaner at the hostel, and for three weeks of her stay. She ignored me. But something, and I can't remember what, well it changed. She would begin to wake up at same time as me. .."good morning.. How are you?" with tone that even now gives me shivers.  Things spiralled unusually. With very unexpected behaviour from her. And one night, it began to disturb my living more. If you touch your face, what feels natural is the pressure of your own skin, the pressure of your own touch,  your own muscles moving in your own hand.  Its an unusual change, that as you prepare to sleep, the tension in your own hand changes, and then tension in your own lips change. And sounds are made, that you would never expect to make. My body is a control freak, the dentist could tell you that.  So  to lose that control of your own body, is un-nerving. The first time, I gave situation three chances, like I require the universe to give me three bits of proof to accept that something is a reality. Three times, happened, and to myself it was a extra acceptance, that I should have to confide in the member of night staff on. He was a fanatic, and I have a low tolerance with religious fanatics. Through three hours of conversation, we gained new respect for each other. He offered to pray, and it worked, it was like anaesthetic.

 Night 2, and it happened again, except the tension in my hands, felt like those of a dirty of a dirty old man. And those dirty hand began to fondle my precious hair. If you are in a bar, well this speaking from  Scottish perspective. You can give a dirty old man a good scorning, with vicious tongue or a good smack to the face.  But if its from an unseen entity, where you question your own sanity, and reality, then it not only confuses, but it violates your soul.  It makes you feel dirty, and the next morning fills you with so much grief to look a friend in eye invokes a flood of tears that can't be explained. To gain composure I went to the toilets, and screamed, but the scream was still not my scream.

 That morning I was due to work, and from there found that the lady I worked with was also sensitive, and in calm caring ways, mothered my sensitivity and its new wounds. That afternoon, I snapped at a brother figure who I respect a lot for strong attitude, realistic, cynical, and slight humorous tone of grumpy old men at Christmas.

"..are you alright love?"

"..you know what, I'm not going to answer that today, because you're just going to give me bullshit that it's in my head, so ask me again tomorrow."

Quietly and steadily.."..are you feeling attacked?"

 

"Yes".

 

Not much more was discussed on it, but I felt a strength of support from three friends and mentors at that point, the sensitive lady for care and encouragement, and the strength that a scientific mind found validation in my reality.  A third mentor came in the humour, voice and guidance of a wonderful Australian who swore outright in a christian hostel.  From what i learned from them, i hope that if there is also someone in the situation, this might give you a little strength or guidance.

 

Take comfort that your reality is real.

 

Remember that the feeling of panic is sometimes more than the actual happening.

 

Take time to concentrate on a balanced, calm, loving "line" that centres your body, and breathe from it

.

 

 

Take full concentration to the texture of something beside you.

 

 Concentrate on The feeling of your weight in a seat

 

 

Imagine that there is a bubble wrapped around you, with that same feeling of the loving line.

 

Really take time to feel the weight of your feet on the ground. I found it useful to walk barefoot, and feel the texture and temperature of the ground I was walking on.

Take time to concentrate on how you breathe. Remove yourself, detach yourself from drama. If you feel yourself pulled towards drama, take time to breathe and balance again to that "line".

Find a place of prayer, prayer works. I don’t care which religion. I did find that there was a strength in Jesus name, but the name alone, was the entirety of the process.

 Take time to sing. and if you are not able to sing. listen to music that you connect with. and hold onto it like rope. some people suggested soft gentle music, but i am someone that likes punkass strong energy. Enya on this kind of occasion would just not bridge the gap. For me at this time, strength came through songs from Emeli Sande, and a dutch hiphop group called Zwart licht. they are more than worth a listen to.

 

 

Freestyle by Zwart Licht, (a future solo album from one of Zwart Licht is Daar Ergens)
 

As activity with friends went on, I had to take further time apart. It was frustrating at times as I missed out on fun. Or it felt like that. I could communicate one hundred percent but I was nowhere near one hundred percent connection. On a sunny afternoon, they playing guitar, laughing, shouting, and it was too much. So I sat, with a brother figure. Friends jamming with guitars on the other side of the court yard.  It was another brother figure that I talk to in Dutch, hoe is het meisje?

 "its shit. I want to be there. But I cant focus on them. The only things I can connect with from their reality at this minute, is to listen to the sound of the fountain on the water, or look at the sunlight shining through that segment of that leaf there on the branch. more than that, and i am lost. Do you understand?"

 "its deep. Pffff. But I do understand, but your learning is deep, you are just a special person."

 

Things got a little worse before it began to ease. its an alienating experience when things happen that disturb your comfort and reality, but which you cannot truly relate to the majority of your friends. Despite my struggle, "normal" life was going on regardless, passing me by without me being able to enjoy in a fully connected way. For ten days, until lady left, I was allowed to sleep on the padded chillout bench in the garden. There I  still had some attempts to settle to sleep.  But to hear the fountain was my focus.  The challenges became more intense, I would have lets say "invasions" whilst the lady passed, or as I looked in the mirror.  A blessing further came in two christian friends who also had discernment. Some Christians call it discernment, other more traditional and conservative minds, call it sin passed down from generations. these to two girlfriends became my anchors when things became unbearable. i am so grateful to have them in my life.

 It came to one final morning, when the feeling around me was crushing. and i think I'm allowed to be a drama queen at this point, when i say crushing i mean superman and kryptonite. bad ass.  The bible discussion that morning had been "appropriate", the manager looked at me to confirm that I understood. Stand strong and let the lord battle for you. That is all very good and well, if its in visual reality, you can see a bus coming hurtling towards you and know you were given legs to run. But how on earth when you feel that same force coming towards you, but you cannot account it to any proportion, how can you trust that the crippling will stop.  In that day, I stood with a friend behind the counter of the cafe, and she held my hand. And I breathed.

 "why on earth, would anyone want to open themselves to voodoo or ouija, they have no idea what they are playing with, and I have to martyr the consequences of her life choices and decisions.."

 The next morning, it was enough. The cleaning lady sought ought my space again in an unusual way, but I showed no negativity. The cafe team prayed. And I took five minutes to talk with the lady.  And towards the end, she looked me with tearful eyes. "..you know its not my heart, they come through my head". I knew it wasn’t her heart, she was a kind lady. But her choices in spirituality led me to weeks of discomfort and detachment.  In the end she chose not to pray, and she chose search out new religion, and she followed a path back to prostitution. As a sensitive,  walking through streets of prostitution in Amsterdam, ties feeling of a rope round your neck, and it pulls tight, and rejoices as it does so. and its not ashamed of rejoicing and defiance.

 Since then, regaining consciousness, and feeling connected is returning in baby steps.  Its unstable, but its given me new appreciation of the world around me. Though mostly still in small proportions, its given me focus and discernment in my own reality. Its most important for me to feel clean, to act in a clean way, to be clean. This is also small steps. as slow as it has been, its been a blessing in requiring me to reassess what is around me, and from that, what is important to honour.

On one of the last summer evenings, we sat in a group by the canal, hitchhiking a boat ride. and towards the end of a special evening, i sat back looked at the two groups of friends. how rich is this small tapestry of happening? one group, people from all corners of the world sharing a joke. so many kinds of different laughter and humour, the second group, well how amazing is life that it can bring two people from different life perspectives, and share their stories of Singapore. bringing understanding to one, and self worth to the other.  someone has created the brickwork that we're sitting upon. then towards the lighted bridge, how many stonemasons, and carpenters made the bridge and how many wives, families, pieces of bread and drinks of beer supported them?..and the lights on the bridge, those who connected the electricity, those who found inspiration to create electrical light, and those people who supported those pioneers to go forward in inspiration to create the environment that we are now in. As i was thinking about this, and thinking also about how not to get too deep in thought on this. how wonderful life has created itself, life is also the wind that blows ripples along the canal. its both the inspiration and action of man, yet also in nature and elements that I've taken for granted along the way. its a rich tapestry and it all connects.

 A list for the sensitives! and also of interest to others..
 

Firstly get to know your reality, make friends with it, by being sceptical that it feels clean. to illustrate  this further, this from spoken word artist UNOM, who belongs to part of the Poetry Circle Nowhere . An Average Citizen,

 

Take time to look and feel  whats been created around you. Nature and man made.

 

Take time to consider  the smallest bits and pieces around, and appreciate it.

Make time to praise.

Be thankful.

Exercise.

Paddle in the sea.

Keep some stones around you - amethyst, rose quartz, black tourmaline, jade..
.
Make time for animals. Make effort to be around nature. Make time to notice it.

Take time to detox.

Be sceptical of the food you eat. Eat clean organic food when ever possible.

Listen to, or read wholesome  or inspiring words. By this I don’t necessarily mean just the bible or books of faith. Something written by the heart, that inspires you, that moves you, that fills you with positivity.

Go see something human. Or organically human. Theatre, acoustic music, something performed from the heart. Something with energy.

 its a difficult process, but support yourself through it. keep going! should a wonderful event draw a large crowd. go enjoy it anyway! just find a wall to stand beside.

 

                                                                     Celebrate life!

 

This tune. though christian (i don't say this in a disrespectful way. but most christian worship songs focus that Jesus is the only way to following god. i do not sit with that as a truth, and therefore will not sing it. which makes for patchy chorus!) having said that, it is a very poignant song for me,  and would mostly appear at moment where i most needed confirmation that life or god, or the universe, was in control. I liked it because i could connect with with my experience, and the learning that i should not fear, or worry, but that things are, and would be taken care of, and that my simple roll was to rejoice in blessings, and celebrate life around me. This is an ongoing lesson. Because of the strong connection of this song with last summers happenings, it has the power to uplift me when i am rejoicing good things in life, or with the simple crack of an egg, it yokes every emotion of powerlessness and worry from me.

 

 

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

I returned to meet friends from the hostel at new year. and this song which had been so poignant , unexpectedly appeared at the singsong shortly before the fireworks. it led me to emotionally meditate, feeling like i passed the finish post from a year that tore the rug from my feet and rebuilt me again, i was standing at the finish line. feeling somewhat battered and bruised but  I'd survived the difficulties with the support of life around me, and i stood weeping at the skies, feeling like i deserved every colour exploding from every firework.

These days, living outwith Amsterdam, i am able to feel more balanced and building reconnection, and still have some healing to do,  and so to honour and celebrate my hair that took the brunt of violation, for meaningful occasions, and those days i need reminded of beauty,  i adorn a flower.

 

Photography courtesy of Gudrun Sjoden

Wonder..

I am inherently an introvert with extrovert ideas. As life has gone on, I've noticed that its not just my mind and voice that turn in on themselves, but my body just does not want intrusive feelings, or indeed to "let go" of those intrusions once I have them. It’s a difficult conundrum. An instance was Last summer, I had to have a tooth taken out. They assured me it would just take five  minutes, and I would feel little to no pain. Forty five minutes later, and I know it was forty five minutes because I peaked at the clocked through closed eyes, and a mantra "OK tooth I let you go"(at that point I thought anything might work, even the thought of also pulling myself against the pliers, but no..). I have never felt like tipping a dentist before, but seeing that he really got his work out, the temptation was there. As I sat up from the surgery, he could only exclaim

 "My goodness, that was an absolute fucker!"

 This can be the intensity that mind, body and soul function.  and on top of that, feeling somethings to raw capacity, it overwhelms the system.  I have to make conscious effort to keep balance within myself.  I am softly spoken, and sometimes find that I am more so than other times, and when I see it mirror in the face of others, that’s a trigger for me to consider how to pull myself forward again in terms of energy.  If I ignore these triggers, then I'm into dangerous waters. That is something l know of myself.

 A few years ago, I was in those difficult waters of self struggle, and a friend suggested a singing group. To take the pressure out of it that I am singing, I call it musicgroep.  I loved my musicgroep, it was a maternal, nurturing setting where through different singing practise, it encouraged my voice to come forward, and my body language to become more strong in its stance again. It also helped me to connect emotion to my words again.  When you are high sensitive, and you don’t have boundaries to others drama and emotion, it can overwhelm, and as a result I would become numb to it all. For the whole year in musicgroep, they talked about the wonderful moment when one person or another would have their "break-through". I never had that. And then I became homeless. I usually just say that things got chaotic.

But then I found myself standing in a field, because I had to pick up phone credit from the garage, and because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. And then I called my best friend. She said, keep crying if I need to, but keep going. The call finished and I was still standing in the field. OK keep going.. But where..? I don’t know where to go. Within two seconds a friend called. He has been a strong influence in my life, his voice is with strong energy, in good time we've  played like eight year olds, in bad times we've fought like eight year olds, but whatever happens, he is there for me.

 And then I found myself in Utrecht, with a friend of his. A friend who had little to nothing in his apartment. How can those who have nothing, be the happiest to offer everything? As much as the generosity was overwhelming, sharing a mattress and blanket was not an option, and I felt mirrored hesitance from him too. And so then I found myself staying in a hostel in Utrecht.

                             Emeli Sande - Next to Me. (Sometimes, i put music up for your optional pleasure, but this blog, I would really appreciate if you could take time really to watch and listen, reflect and feel the atmosphere and performances, as they are part of this story. Thank you x)
 

I had two more music lessons to go. And through the year, I'd always felt that the song choice, though broad,  was not in my mindset. They were beautiful songs, but they didn’t connect with me. So  I asked for the last lesson to sing something from Emeli Sande.  Next to me.  Because when the storm clouds were rolling in, when I was suffocating from it all, when I was crying in the middle of a field. There were two friends next to me. And I wanted to sing it for them.  To honour them.

 At the musicgroep. They said it was my breakthrough. I sang it just for what had happened. And when you see other people crying when you sing. Well it must have meant something. They asked me to return to the open day and sing it as part of the performance. I said yes. But I was worrying. Can I afford the train again from Utrecht to Breda?. And where the hell am I going  to practise? Staying at the hostel, there is no privacy, and I need privacy to do something intimate. Singing is intimate to me, and only in a room where no one listens, do I practise.

There turned out to be five minutes to practise. It was as the hostel cafe closed, and the staff went to smoke on the patio. I asked to use the wide screen computer, kneeled on the sofa, faced the wall. This is poormans privacy. But I practised.

 

When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished

and I can't seem to find no help or love for free

I know there's no need for me to panic

cause I'll find him, I'll find him next to me

 
When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

when, all I needs a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, will find him next to me

The next morning, a German class trip were getting ready to leave the hostel. I had thought they didn’t like me (or anyone) they were so cold in manner, and solemn. When one guy brought a camera out, I thought it was to take a picture of his girlfriend. It was, but also with me in it. I am not keen on attention, and ultimately do not like having photos taken. But he said softly smiling.

"I heard you sing last night, it was beautiful. You sang from the heart".

 So this is my journey with one song. It connected me to the German couple that I thought disliked me, it connected itself to two important friends. And it connected me to my emotions. But the connection goes further than that  . At present I am still connected to the musicgroep, though it is parent and child, love and forgiving care. I am unable to honour them at the moment with finance or reliability, but they wait with patience. This patience really humbles me, and I hope someday soon to honour what they have given me.  A few days ago, I received an invitation for their "bounding" day. To reconnect, to bind together, and I find my heart connecting them Next to Me.

 

Sometimes a story can ripple in all concepts of time. Until the moments of last year, I  always had this feeling that my actions never have affect, that my simply being and relating to people is entirely my own happiness, and my own challenge. But a year or so ago happenings took learning to a new unexpected level.  I always felt a deep frustration, that there were troubles and frustrations in the world lying on my shoulders to suffocating levels, causing me great anger caught up within, but if I shouted about it, who would listen? Who would act? Who would MAKE change happen?  

 

You can find more about Carolyne on facebook.

So becoming friends with someone who already had a public voice, yet alone in the spotlight, was and remains an alien experience that I live with adjusting to.  Everyone has elements of normal, yet everyone is special, thus everyone should be considered equal.

I was so happy that my friends voice was reaching people with a particular subject, I wrote my "holy shit" moment to brother David. And actually quite reverently, he said that it amazed him how connected we all are. This was the first time I really considered connectedness. It was the first time that I had a conscious move from, I am learning from life, and I am being shaped, both by happiness and by struggle, to - I have affect.  I can have affect. A somewhat overwhelming notion. It is an easy concept for me to feel inspired, to look at others and think how wonderful it is that they have affect in my life. But to realise that I in return influence and affect them or others, well that can sometimes be difficult and in fact an ongoing challenge to accept in notion..  To hear someone with strong voice tell me that I inspire. And then to see it written in black and white, in print. Fast on paper, written in time, well that’s what I  find  overwhelming.  And those holy shit moments, well I relay those to brother David (I have no idea why I am making him sound so reverent in this blog, it must be the change in pope.  Brother David is also in the public eye, but being nurtured into early adulthood with his musicality and toilet humour, it gives  me a different perspective to those already standing in the spotlight. Less intimidating, less barriers.  So  when brother David mentioned his fascination with how connected we all are, it didn’t completely sink in. in fact in hindsight, I was beyond blasé.

 

 And then I saw my friend,  in a concert arena, body surfing through hues of soft orange, purple and blue light. Across a thousand hands ready to carry, it sank in to me that if I am one drop of inspiration, and he inspires this sea of people, even if its for an hour of dancing, then its an honour to be connected with this. At one point he stretches his limbs out exalting in the moment, of being in that moment of happiness, and at first I from a mind and body cast in locked mind, I felt jealous that I couldn’t ever have that feeling and freedom of complete expression of content, happiness, elation.

But these days I look at it differently, shouldn’t this be how it should be? Stretching in rejoice to the support of others, and in turn allowing them to stretch in appreciation by holding them on high. This is a voice being held on high. We need voices in society in order to inspire in various ways, to uplift those needing lifted, those needing carried for a while.  I don’t think it necessarily means that we all have to shout. A lot of people cant raise their voice, and I think if you cant, well that’s OK. But in that case, support someone who voices a passion that you share.  We are only human, and we do need support, even those in the spotlight.

I recently read a book from a friend, its called "Together we build a brighter future" by Salem Samhoud. I am really falling in to connectedness just by living, but to find a book written very clearly, and solidly on it, well i find it quite refreshing. so i may well refer back to this book in future blogs.

 

"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves…   All things are bound together. All things connect. " - Salem Samhoud.

Photograph by Jonathan Oldham (Amsterdam)

 

So how can I explain this web as I've seen it?  Well after semi-considering brother Davids sentiment. Life let the answer unfold, first in a vague suggestion, and then to pretty much suggestion of the undeniable.
 

A few years ago I broke my knee from which I lost my dance., it resulted in being stripped of what I had held very dear. Music and dance. So in clasping to what I could from it. Being banished by life to the sofa. There is a lot of tiredness, healing, and frustration. So escape would come by looking at new music. It was a time where new injury meant that I had to face scars of old injury and reflect.

From somewhere on planet youtube. I found a link for Speech Debelle, which refreshed the that there was still new music being made in which I felt comfortable in. that "home" feeling. And via links, I found music of Kobi Onyame, live at Glastonbury.  OK lets leave that thread there for a moment.  Lets go back further, to days of post-grad study.

 

And I worked in a shop, and round the corner from the shop lived brother David. It is a blessing to have a cuppasoup in a home where musical mixes are created. As I moved to study abroad, David began with a few others to encourage new Scottish talent via soul Karma lounge. And there came in Adele Sande. In the flippant way I did, I looked over many postings of her promotion. I do this, I don’t know why. But once this habit was overcome then I realised, wow, this is talent that inspires me, that lifts me up from tiredness and pain. This is someone who writes cleverly, and whole words just click with  me. Her name is now Emeli.

 So back to circa 2009. a few months after I had first listened to Kobi Onyame, returning to listen to the video links again, I took more time to look into videos of work and inspiration behind the music.  And particularly his road to Glastonbury. For him, an important moment for him to be heard by the industry.  and from there introduced his support. And he introduced his backing singer, Emeli Sande.  So this struck me as connection, but looking from the outside i wondered how many more intricacies to the this web could there have too to encourage each others success?

 This connection planted the seed to an a-ha moment. No, no, no, your getting it wrong..  not the eighties.. Actually lets translate a-ha to the "holy shit" spectrum. A-ha, is a mild tremor that may lead towards a "holy shit" moment.  And holy shit, is not an elongated toilet moment. A holy shit moment happens when something so amazing transpires, I'd almost be in disbelief, were it not for the fact that its accompanied with an air punching "YES! Life is good!!". That, friends is a "holy shit!" moment. 

 So yes the a-ha. The a-ha sewed a seed of thought, how connected is this all? And where does it link to?  Because the link from a painful healing, to Speech Debelle, to Kobi Onyame, to Emeli Sande, to brother David mixing music, to having a cuppa soup and getting "that" kind of warning for putting my feet up on a much loved  new leather sofa. Actually now we are on the subject, nor in fact did he appreciate my new party piece of balancing a pint glass of water on my head (no hands!), in such close vicinity to his very chic investment.

 ".. Nicki.. Put down the water".

 But the idea of how connected we are has kept on flowing.  In fact, perhaps it was flowing before I even knew it existed. When the plot in a story is revealed, and you were previously unaware that there was a story being written..

 Kobi Onyame can be found on facebook or via his youtube channel

 After my knee break, I returned to work with the horses. There was a new team created, and it felt like a really strong sisterhood. One of my sisters there, was also sensitive, and beautiful inside and out. and well, we could create a vibe of humour and joy, and let it flow.  We walk different paths now, but the sisterhood still lives between us. Through friendship, we witnessed how immensely connected our lives can be.

 We were sitting outside, she was smoking, we were exchanging girly stories from the evening before. The evening before, I had decided to investigate more into the field of Dutch hiphop, not just one group but more, more knowledge. But I came to a interview made with my friend in it. Considering to watch it..  stung against my principles, but this time, well lets see.. So mentioned in the interview linked an occasion linked in completely unforeseeable threads of a story. In our girlymode, Max wanted to watch the interview, I answered with reluctant OK. These are my private friends, this is my private life, but they are public.

And as we watched it in an evening, it came to the last question.  The question enquired about a television program that he had participated in, a sort of teenage homeswap.

 "My ex was also in that program, it was years ago..", Max casually mentioned.

 "Oh right.." replied I,  as the interview continued

 "My ex also lived in Rotterdam..  He was also called Nico… " A realisation was coming across her face, not fear, but similar to..

 "Nicki, can we check the website, maybe  his program is there.."

. Max is a hell of a lot more proactive than me, she lives life without hesitation. Whereas I, as the website revealed the next chapter of the evening, felt a closure of doom, I really feel resistant to poking into things.. And so opened the debate

 ".. But Nicki, this is a decision that they made.. This is on TV for the whole world to see.."

 I really still didn’t like the idea. If I am being friends with someone, they should tell me about themselves, by themselves.  This debate was about to really run, as the program followed through house and home of others lives. And then there was the ex. The beautiful Max, had probably been awaiting my reaction

 "..You kissed THAT?!"

 And with head-jilt reaction. Shaking her head vigorously. "Yes, but we didn't use tongues".

 Needless to say, from that moment, our focus concentrated on jovial Nico-isms and his complete focus on what a shitty world is around him.  But to have a look at how this story got to girls laughing around the table. Well, we calculated that threads of the story began to weave around 8 years before either of us had any notion or concept of what the future would bring. Life took four individuals on completely different paths, varying lifestyles and outlooks, and connected us very delicately with side stitching, bordering on transparent, but with strong enough shine to catch the light, and from there let a story shine through. When I look at it, it amazes me to think what was sewn together, and whether laughing around the table was the end point of it or not, well that’s not my business to know. But if my past has been sewn so well with such intricacies, then standing here in the " now", well it gives me a feeling that life has amazing plans in store.  And when life throws  a hardball, this helps me to dance in the rain.

 "Connection also happens if we celebrate life more with respect for nature and for other people. You must have the capacity to not become sombre and negative.  Celebrate life joyfully. That’s what its all about." - Salem Samhoud

 In order to be successfully connected and be aware of its merits, it is suggested that connection with others also comes through better knowledge of yourself, and awareness of your environment. So in the next blog or so, I want to have a look at different areas of this. But in concluding this blog, it leaves me with one predominant thought, which is that, if we are all connected and focus on inspiring instead of judging and chastising each other, what new heights could we reach?  Musicians and Artists support their connections in order to better their situation, but in normal life, i believe we can also support each other a little more. Life is difficult sometimes, so surely through supporting those people we are connected to and likewise viceversa, we can help make life a little easier. But perhaps as you read this, you feel that you are already living with a good team around you, in that case I would love to hear from you.

 

 I am going to finish this blog with a song that uplifts me in listening to it, written by Emeli Sande.

 

"This song is called Wonder.and I wrote it about the wonder within us all, and the light,  and everything special that we can do as people, if we believe.."

      I AM, BECAUSE WE ARE.