STAND UP for kids in Kenya. A benefit concert by spoken word artist Leslie Ebony

Mongoose - Petrify

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yqv1iNzFuIo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

So this is the guy I saw perform on Saturday. Its been a lot time since I put attention to the music scene. Up until a few weeks ago, it was complete compulsion to embed myself in the project. And I do think it had to be done that way to get things done.

The week before, I went to church. Mostly to give praise for help in getting the first course under my belt. When you know that your purpose is being encouraged at different levels, it makes the feel of absolute stress and pressure somewhat do-able. I'm sure I should enjoy life, that's the mission, but sometimes, the process of working towards the purpose can bring up feelings and situations that aren't so pleasant. Anyway, my first certificate for Ttouch training is in the bag. And the whole path to get it was full of blessings and encouragement.

During the week I stayed at a youth hostel in bath. A lot more homely feeling than amsterdam. I shared a room one evening with a model who had worked with Kate Moss. And she thought I was 22! Having worked with Kate Moss.. well that's credentials for extremely good judgement.   I told the news to a friend,

So let me get this straight.. you're 34 next week, but going by ..22?

Yes.

So in church, I've been noticing a pattern. There is sort of split between those who want to live. And those who are fearful of what's outwith the walls of their church community.  Last week when I had been to church, there had be a guy involved in outreach work. His questions were,

Where have you seen god at work?

In who have you seen god at work?

A guy came in late and sat at our table. He's been a guest speaker too, but with a different tangent. The following question, was how can we bring our purpose to show gods love in the kingdom?

Latecomer could not grasp the concept. His view was that god only works with christians and the church. My view still is, that say all present biblical knowledge was erased from social memory, if god is the greatest unconditional love, surely he would still want to impact our lives. And it is my belief he/she does this regardless of whether you are christian or not.

When I was living in the christian shelter, there was a fear of the volunteers going to nightclubs, because of the bad influence that might be around.

On Saturday night, I was in a nightclub watching Mongoose and the beatbox perform. Between songs, as the tempo changed, he took time to ask the crowd what their definition of love is. What does love mean to you? Wat is liefde? Someone shouted.. God is Love.

Jaa sowieso! Put your fist in the air if you think that God is Love!

The crowd raised their hands.

Inspirations

<o>)

Be humble
be

one flower
one hive

be humble 
be

healing
nature
all time

be humble
be

self intoxicating
live the give

be humble be
be

a just be
be honey
be
(<o>)


Written by Unom Jg.  Unom's spoken word performances are just amazing. You can find more details at Poetry Circle NoWhere in Amsterdam.  His next peformance is Circ/Us at Dansmakers Amsterdam from the 4th til the 12th of January 2014. More details can be found on his Facebook page. 

Write - Leslie Ebony

Project Epiphany - inspiration- trailer of the docufilm i shall be holding previews of in the Netherlands and Scotland

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYkT_GndKtE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Epiphany update

So just an update on how things are going. I went with a friend to look at the land for rent, we actually drove right past it, me thinking that this was perhaps too good to be true. Its 1.25 ha, which I estimate at about three quarters of a football pitch, with two small barns, and a small schooling area.

Its was nice to leave with such a good feeling. My friend who visited it with me was also positive, but a week later that seemed to change. It changed from believing to having serious doubts, and a need to bring me into reality. It was the biggest dissappointment to realise that she didn't believe in it anymore. Back on my own again.

The man who wants to rent the land also has his doubts as to the success and longevity of the project, its quite difficult to stay strong in your own path whilst fight through others doubt. I have to admit that its blocked me from thinking forwards for a few weeks. And then thoughts started to dawn on me.

I am going to stay free of negative thinking, and reality checks, because every challenge I come across will bring its own reality check. And I need my positivity intact to overcome it.

I am going to trust that god has brought me this far, and has given me enough signs that this is going to happen. And I have to rest in that and breathe relaxed and confident.

I have to let go of expectations or hopes of who precisely will be there to believe and support me. God/life/love has that covered.

My own fears and doubts are where the finance will come from. But the founders of the horse boy foundation have suggested that I hold awareness evenings by showing the horseboy documentary. So there was light again! And inspiration. So I'm in the middle of organising a first viewing in Amsterdam, and a friend of mine, Leslie Ebony, who is a wonderful spoken word artist will also be performing on the evening, alongside a question and answer session from Rupert Isaacson, founder of the horseboy foundation. Everything else is to be confirmed.

I am also hoping to hold an awareness evening in Scotland, in the Perthire area, more details to follow!

Spijt - Akwasi & Rob De Kay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrBz8uyKxBg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Epiphany

So these last few months have come with some learnings. I was always told by gran that one good turn deserves another, and to treat others how I would want to be treated myself. And this summer I began really to doubt that. And as with most things when I short circuit, the universe takes it back a key, and shows me kindess in humanity on a micro level. Which was reaffirming to some degrees.
You have to understand that my location moved from the countryside outside of Breda, to Amsterdam, and that's actually a huge change in social climate.  An Ex if mine was from Rotterdam, he summed up some differences quite well. In Breda, if you fall in the street, ten people will run to pick you up, in Rotterdam they will laugh at you (or with you), in Amsterdam, people will step over you and curse you for making them late for an appointment.
So in the summer, because the chemistry of amsterdam does not suit me, I made a decision to draw a line from it.  And now with some distance I can begin to cautiously analyse why the chemistry feels so uncomfortable, this is still an ongoing thought process, and I'm not yet ready to put it to blog yet.
One other decision was made for sure though, I can use my energy and let sensitivity allow me to encourage connections, but those connections don't bring me any support in return towards my own future hopes. But this realisation did, its time to get selfish, its time to take that attention for others, and focus it solely on my own project.
I love music, a few of my peers, David included, are at the top of their game in their sphere. They are Kings of their own. So why am I not Queen of my own?  Music is a form of love, and its path has been walked on and worshipped for thousands of years.  Whilst music is a rock for me, its not my sole purpose. My soul purpose.
My soul pupose has taken a little longer for me to feel confident in pursuing. Mainly because its a path which has taken time to fall into mainsteam, and its still not quite there. But it will be.
My path will be to facilitate the use of horses in order to allow people to find the quiet space inside of themselves again.  This will affect different social groups, and with help of nature,encourage people to find balance again.  Depending on the need of a person, the following shall be used.
The EAGALA model.
The TTouch technique from Linda Tellington-Jones
The Horse Boy method developed by Rupert and Rowan Isaacson.
I  will insert a  link later in the day in which Rupert describes more about the Horse Boy technique.

They say when life gives you lemons; make lemonade. Well I say, why not make margharitas!
                 - Rupert Isaacson

Gibberish

It has started. The lead up to sinterklaas. The debate on zwarte piet. A couple of years ago a friend wrote a good overview and view of why changes to zwarte piet should be made. He said that posters of zwarte piet in the uk are of children au natural. Children who dont look like golliwogs. Golliwogs were dolls who also caused controversy in their time. They were removed as mascots from robinsons jam circa 1987ish. Im queen of vague, but it if you want to check it further. Wiki will help you out. Truth is i have lived in different cities in holland, and i never felt so much division as i have in amsterdam. So please god, let amsterdam be an arena for healing, an arena for forgiveness, on all sides. And arena for unity.

I am TIRED of them, and us, and us versus them. When in the end, we are all an US. I heard an interview from an nigerian-american about her new book. The interviewer asked whether she felt more nigerian or american, her words ammounted to this. Well, at the point that you ask this question, my feeling is of just being me. There is fine line between being rooted in history and culture,and living and being in the here and now.

The truth is that zwarte piet has to change his appearance. The truth also is that the sinterklaas party, and festive vibes that zwarte piet brings is joyful, and when times are testing, then everybody needs joy. Thats a truth.

But of course as debate rises there will of course be defensiveness on both sides. Should the change come this year, then there should also be a thread of forgiveness woven in exchange.

I got upset in the last weeks that id encouraged creative projects, and likelihood not be involved, and forgotton by creative egos. It made me question who is on my team, and to whose team i belong. But when i look at humanity now, its becoming so ugly that im glad my team is small, and that im glad im free of those teams id previously hoped to be in. By walking independently i can stay free from us and them, and hope one day when every superficial difference is abolished, and we are simply us.

Abide with me..

Foreword - for those sensitive who are simply needing guidance  through the haze. Don’t worry about reading my story at this moment. Further down this scroll are a couple of lists with suggestions that might help you to feel more conscious and reconnected again.

 

Abide with Me - Emeli Sande

 

 

 

Last summer my time was split. I was living  in a hostel, where incredibly close connections were made.  The sort that big brother contestants talk about, without the cctv. And whilst it was wonderful to meet so many people, for being sensitive, it was not always so ideal.  There was

 Lack of space to maintain my own energy

 

Distraction from good diet, and a good sleep pattern

 

Crowds of people constantly around

 

Periods of change, in group dynamics, chemistry and emotion.

No possibility of exercising my normal vehicles of strength - horses, music, dancing. 

 

 

I was younger I'd be profoundly affected by somethings more than others. We had a utility room built into the house. And I could not get used to its strong smell, but I did develop a technique  of holding my breath to collect towels, or to pick something out of the freezer. Sometimes dad would put on Scottish music on, for a family ceilidh (non Scottish people, pronounced kay-lay) and I love to dance. For the fast dances, I would skip around, when the waltz was played, I would retire to the sofa feeling unusually sad. I had my own room, and Sunday afternoons, I would spend hours making mix tapes. I think this is when strength in music started to grow. When I used to get frustrated about things, by brother would say, "but you're just sensitive", and only now does it make sense.

 The year before last, I'd go out partying with my sister team, and I preferred one place to others. It had a reputation for being tacky, but the chemistry was great, it was a place I could feel good vibes from. Take me to the place next door, and it was itchy for a fight. Yet working in the countryside, I could feel aware of other things spiritually. But felt I had an understanding, I respect their space, they respect mine. And it worked there. There were sometimes somethings tried to "play" but my sense of being in control was strong, and it seemed to balance things.  But moving Amsterdam, well it took things to a different level.And toward the latter part of my stay there something opened my eyes to other things. To be called high sensitive. I think there are different layers and different levels. From what I see on forums, some are more perceptive in some areas than in others

 It put into an experience where I could witness how strong and malicious something can be.  There had been a fellow cleaner at the hostel, and for three weeks of her stay. She ignored me. But something, and I can't remember what, well it changed. She would begin to wake up at same time as me. .."good morning.. How are you?" with tone that even now gives me shivers.  Things spiralled unusually. With very unexpected behaviour from her. And one night, it began to disturb my living more. If you touch your face, what feels natural is the pressure of your own skin, the pressure of your own touch,  your own muscles moving in your own hand.  Its an unusual change, that as you prepare to sleep, the tension in your own hand changes, and then tension in your own lips change. And sounds are made, that you would never expect to make. My body is a control freak, the dentist could tell you that.  So  to lose that control of your own body, is un-nerving. The first time, I gave situation three chances, like I require the universe to give me three bits of proof to accept that something is a reality. Three times, happened, and to myself it was a extra acceptance, that I should have to confide in the member of night staff on. He was a fanatic, and I have a low tolerance with religious fanatics. Through three hours of conversation, we gained new respect for each other. He offered to pray, and it worked, it was like anaesthetic.

 Night 2, and it happened again, except the tension in my hands, felt like those of a dirty of a dirty old man. And those dirty hand began to fondle my precious hair. If you are in a bar, well this speaking from  Scottish perspective. You can give a dirty old man a good scorning, with vicious tongue or a good smack to the face.  But if its from an unseen entity, where you question your own sanity, and reality, then it not only confuses, but it violates your soul.  It makes you feel dirty, and the next morning fills you with so much grief to look a friend in eye invokes a flood of tears that can't be explained. To gain composure I went to the toilets, and screamed, but the scream was still not my scream.

 That morning I was due to work, and from there found that the lady I worked with was also sensitive, and in calm caring ways, mothered my sensitivity and its new wounds. That afternoon, I snapped at a brother figure who I respect a lot for strong attitude, realistic, cynical, and slight humorous tone of grumpy old men at Christmas.

"..are you alright love?"

"..you know what, I'm not going to answer that today, because you're just going to give me bullshit that it's in my head, so ask me again tomorrow."

Quietly and steadily.."..are you feeling attacked?"

 

"Yes".

 

Not much more was discussed on it, but I felt a strength of support from three friends and mentors at that point, the sensitive lady for care and encouragement, and the strength that a scientific mind found validation in my reality.  A third mentor came in the humour, voice and guidance of a wonderful Australian who swore outright in a christian hostel.  From what i learned from them, i hope that if there is also someone in the situation, this might give you a little strength or guidance.

 

Take comfort that your reality is real.

 

Remember that the feeling of panic is sometimes more than the actual happening.

 

Take time to concentrate on a balanced, calm, loving "line" that centres your body, and breathe from it

.

 

 

Take full concentration to the texture of something beside you.

 

 Concentrate on The feeling of your weight in a seat

 

 

Imagine that there is a bubble wrapped around you, with that same feeling of the loving line.

 

Really take time to feel the weight of your feet on the ground. I found it useful to walk barefoot, and feel the texture and temperature of the ground I was walking on.

Take time to concentrate on how you breathe. Remove yourself, detach yourself from drama. If you feel yourself pulled towards drama, take time to breathe and balance again to that "line".

Find a place of prayer, prayer works. I don’t care which religion. I did find that there was a strength in Jesus name, but the name alone, was the entirety of the process.

 Take time to sing. and if you are not able to sing. listen to music that you connect with. and hold onto it like rope. some people suggested soft gentle music, but i am someone that likes punkass strong energy. Enya on this kind of occasion would just not bridge the gap. For me at this time, strength came through songs from Emeli Sande, and a dutch hiphop group called Zwart licht. they are more than worth a listen to.

 

 

Freestyle by Zwart Licht, (a future solo album from one of Zwart Licht is Daar Ergens)
 

As activity with friends went on, I had to take further time apart. It was frustrating at times as I missed out on fun. Or it felt like that. I could communicate one hundred percent but I was nowhere near one hundred percent connection. On a sunny afternoon, they playing guitar, laughing, shouting, and it was too much. So I sat, with a brother figure. Friends jamming with guitars on the other side of the court yard.  It was another brother figure that I talk to in Dutch, hoe is het meisje?

 "its shit. I want to be there. But I cant focus on them. The only things I can connect with from their reality at this minute, is to listen to the sound of the fountain on the water, or look at the sunlight shining through that segment of that leaf there on the branch. more than that, and i am lost. Do you understand?"

 "its deep. Pffff. But I do understand, but your learning is deep, you are just a special person."

 

Things got a little worse before it began to ease. its an alienating experience when things happen that disturb your comfort and reality, but which you cannot truly relate to the majority of your friends. Despite my struggle, "normal" life was going on regardless, passing me by without me being able to enjoy in a fully connected way. For ten days, until lady left, I was allowed to sleep on the padded chillout bench in the garden. There I  still had some attempts to settle to sleep.  But to hear the fountain was my focus.  The challenges became more intense, I would have lets say "invasions" whilst the lady passed, or as I looked in the mirror.  A blessing further came in two christian friends who also had discernment. Some Christians call it discernment, other more traditional and conservative minds, call it sin passed down from generations. these to two girlfriends became my anchors when things became unbearable. i am so grateful to have them in my life.

 It came to one final morning, when the feeling around me was crushing. and i think I'm allowed to be a drama queen at this point, when i say crushing i mean superman and kryptonite. bad ass.  The bible discussion that morning had been "appropriate", the manager looked at me to confirm that I understood. Stand strong and let the lord battle for you. That is all very good and well, if its in visual reality, you can see a bus coming hurtling towards you and know you were given legs to run. But how on earth when you feel that same force coming towards you, but you cannot account it to any proportion, how can you trust that the crippling will stop.  In that day, I stood with a friend behind the counter of the cafe, and she held my hand. And I breathed.

 "why on earth, would anyone want to open themselves to voodoo or ouija, they have no idea what they are playing with, and I have to martyr the consequences of her life choices and decisions.."

 The next morning, it was enough. The cleaning lady sought ought my space again in an unusual way, but I showed no negativity. The cafe team prayed. And I took five minutes to talk with the lady.  And towards the end, she looked me with tearful eyes. "..you know its not my heart, they come through my head". I knew it wasn’t her heart, she was a kind lady. But her choices in spirituality led me to weeks of discomfort and detachment.  In the end she chose not to pray, and she chose search out new religion, and she followed a path back to prostitution. As a sensitive,  walking through streets of prostitution in Amsterdam, ties feeling of a rope round your neck, and it pulls tight, and rejoices as it does so. and its not ashamed of rejoicing and defiance.

 Since then, regaining consciousness, and feeling connected is returning in baby steps.  Its unstable, but its given me new appreciation of the world around me. Though mostly still in small proportions, its given me focus and discernment in my own reality. Its most important for me to feel clean, to act in a clean way, to be clean. This is also small steps. as slow as it has been, its been a blessing in requiring me to reassess what is around me, and from that, what is important to honour.

On one of the last summer evenings, we sat in a group by the canal, hitchhiking a boat ride. and towards the end of a special evening, i sat back looked at the two groups of friends. how rich is this small tapestry of happening? one group, people from all corners of the world sharing a joke. so many kinds of different laughter and humour, the second group, well how amazing is life that it can bring two people from different life perspectives, and share their stories of Singapore. bringing understanding to one, and self worth to the other.  someone has created the brickwork that we're sitting upon. then towards the lighted bridge, how many stonemasons, and carpenters made the bridge and how many wives, families, pieces of bread and drinks of beer supported them?..and the lights on the bridge, those who connected the electricity, those who found inspiration to create electrical light, and those people who supported those pioneers to go forward in inspiration to create the environment that we are now in. As i was thinking about this, and thinking also about how not to get too deep in thought on this. how wonderful life has created itself, life is also the wind that blows ripples along the canal. its both the inspiration and action of man, yet also in nature and elements that I've taken for granted along the way. its a rich tapestry and it all connects.

 A list for the sensitives! and also of interest to others..
 

Firstly get to know your reality, make friends with it, by being sceptical that it feels clean. to illustrate  this further, this from spoken word artist UNOM, who belongs to part of the Poetry Circle Nowhere . An Average Citizen,

 

Take time to look and feel  whats been created around you. Nature and man made.

 

Take time to consider  the smallest bits and pieces around, and appreciate it.

Make time to praise.

Be thankful.

Exercise.

Paddle in the sea.

Keep some stones around you - amethyst, rose quartz, black tourmaline, jade..
.
Make time for animals. Make effort to be around nature. Make time to notice it.

Take time to detox.

Be sceptical of the food you eat. Eat clean organic food when ever possible.

Listen to, or read wholesome  or inspiring words. By this I don’t necessarily mean just the bible or books of faith. Something written by the heart, that inspires you, that moves you, that fills you with positivity.

Go see something human. Or organically human. Theatre, acoustic music, something performed from the heart. Something with energy.

 its a difficult process, but support yourself through it. keep going! should a wonderful event draw a large crowd. go enjoy it anyway! just find a wall to stand beside.

 

                                                                     Celebrate life!

 

This tune. though christian (i don't say this in a disrespectful way. but most christian worship songs focus that Jesus is the only way to following god. i do not sit with that as a truth, and therefore will not sing it. which makes for patchy chorus!) having said that, it is a very poignant song for me,  and would mostly appear at moment where i most needed confirmation that life or god, or the universe, was in control. I liked it because i could connect with with my experience, and the learning that i should not fear, or worry, but that things are, and would be taken care of, and that my simple roll was to rejoice in blessings, and celebrate life around me. This is an ongoing lesson. Because of the strong connection of this song with last summers happenings, it has the power to uplift me when i am rejoicing good things in life, or with the simple crack of an egg, it yokes every emotion of powerlessness and worry from me.

 

 

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

I returned to meet friends from the hostel at new year. and this song which had been so poignant , unexpectedly appeared at the singsong shortly before the fireworks. it led me to emotionally meditate, feeling like i passed the finish post from a year that tore the rug from my feet and rebuilt me again, i was standing at the finish line. feeling somewhat battered and bruised but  I'd survived the difficulties with the support of life around me, and i stood weeping at the skies, feeling like i deserved every colour exploding from every firework.

These days, living outwith Amsterdam, i am able to feel more balanced and building reconnection, and still have some healing to do,  and so to honour and celebrate my hair that took the brunt of violation, for meaningful occasions, and those days i need reminded of beauty,  i adorn a flower.

 

Photography courtesy of Gudrun Sjoden

Wonder..

I am inherently an introvert with extrovert ideas. As life has gone on, I've noticed that its not just my mind and voice that turn in on themselves, but my body just does not want intrusive feelings, or indeed to "let go" of those intrusions once I have them. It’s a difficult conundrum. An instance was Last summer, I had to have a tooth taken out. They assured me it would just take five  minutes, and I would feel little to no pain. Forty five minutes later, and I know it was forty five minutes because I peaked at the clocked through closed eyes, and a mantra "OK tooth I let you go"(at that point I thought anything might work, even the thought of also pulling myself against the pliers, but no..). I have never felt like tipping a dentist before, but seeing that he really got his work out, the temptation was there. As I sat up from the surgery, he could only exclaim

 "My goodness, that was an absolute fucker!"

 This can be the intensity that mind, body and soul function.  and on top of that, feeling somethings to raw capacity, it overwhelms the system.  I have to make conscious effort to keep balance within myself.  I am softly spoken, and sometimes find that I am more so than other times, and when I see it mirror in the face of others, that’s a trigger for me to consider how to pull myself forward again in terms of energy.  If I ignore these triggers, then I'm into dangerous waters. That is something l know of myself.

 A few years ago, I was in those difficult waters of self struggle, and a friend suggested a singing group. To take the pressure out of it that I am singing, I call it musicgroep.  I loved my musicgroep, it was a maternal, nurturing setting where through different singing practise, it encouraged my voice to come forward, and my body language to become more strong in its stance again. It also helped me to connect emotion to my words again.  When you are high sensitive, and you don’t have boundaries to others drama and emotion, it can overwhelm, and as a result I would become numb to it all. For the whole year in musicgroep, they talked about the wonderful moment when one person or another would have their "break-through". I never had that. And then I became homeless. I usually just say that things got chaotic.

But then I found myself standing in a field, because I had to pick up phone credit from the garage, and because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. And then I called my best friend. She said, keep crying if I need to, but keep going. The call finished and I was still standing in the field. OK keep going.. But where..? I don’t know where to go. Within two seconds a friend called. He has been a strong influence in my life, his voice is with strong energy, in good time we've  played like eight year olds, in bad times we've fought like eight year olds, but whatever happens, he is there for me.

 And then I found myself in Utrecht, with a friend of his. A friend who had little to nothing in his apartment. How can those who have nothing, be the happiest to offer everything? As much as the generosity was overwhelming, sharing a mattress and blanket was not an option, and I felt mirrored hesitance from him too. And so then I found myself staying in a hostel in Utrecht.

                             Emeli Sande - Next to Me. (Sometimes, i put music up for your optional pleasure, but this blog, I would really appreciate if you could take time really to watch and listen, reflect and feel the atmosphere and performances, as they are part of this story. Thank you x)
 

I had two more music lessons to go. And through the year, I'd always felt that the song choice, though broad,  was not in my mindset. They were beautiful songs, but they didn’t connect with me. So  I asked for the last lesson to sing something from Emeli Sande.  Next to me.  Because when the storm clouds were rolling in, when I was suffocating from it all, when I was crying in the middle of a field. There were two friends next to me. And I wanted to sing it for them.  To honour them.

 At the musicgroep. They said it was my breakthrough. I sang it just for what had happened. And when you see other people crying when you sing. Well it must have meant something. They asked me to return to the open day and sing it as part of the performance. I said yes. But I was worrying. Can I afford the train again from Utrecht to Breda?. And where the hell am I going  to practise? Staying at the hostel, there is no privacy, and I need privacy to do something intimate. Singing is intimate to me, and only in a room where no one listens, do I practise.

There turned out to be five minutes to practise. It was as the hostel cafe closed, and the staff went to smoke on the patio. I asked to use the wide screen computer, kneeled on the sofa, faced the wall. This is poormans privacy. But I practised.

 

When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished

and I can't seem to find no help or love for free

I know there's no need for me to panic

cause I'll find him, I'll find him next to me

 
When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

when, all I needs a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, will find him next to me

The next morning, a German class trip were getting ready to leave the hostel. I had thought they didn’t like me (or anyone) they were so cold in manner, and solemn. When one guy brought a camera out, I thought it was to take a picture of his girlfriend. It was, but also with me in it. I am not keen on attention, and ultimately do not like having photos taken. But he said softly smiling.

"I heard you sing last night, it was beautiful. You sang from the heart".

 So this is my journey with one song. It connected me to the German couple that I thought disliked me, it connected itself to two important friends. And it connected me to my emotions. But the connection goes further than that  . At present I am still connected to the musicgroep, though it is parent and child, love and forgiving care. I am unable to honour them at the moment with finance or reliability, but they wait with patience. This patience really humbles me, and I hope someday soon to honour what they have given me.  A few days ago, I received an invitation for their "bounding" day. To reconnect, to bind together, and I find my heart connecting them Next to Me.

 

Sometimes a story can ripple in all concepts of time. Until the moments of last year, I  always had this feeling that my actions never have affect, that my simply being and relating to people is entirely my own happiness, and my own challenge. But a year or so ago happenings took learning to a new unexpected level.  I always felt a deep frustration, that there were troubles and frustrations in the world lying on my shoulders to suffocating levels, causing me great anger caught up within, but if I shouted about it, who would listen? Who would act? Who would MAKE change happen?  

 

You can find more about Carolyne on facebook.

So becoming friends with someone who already had a public voice, yet alone in the spotlight, was and remains an alien experience that I live with adjusting to.  Everyone has elements of normal, yet everyone is special, thus everyone should be considered equal.

I was so happy that my friends voice was reaching people with a particular subject, I wrote my "holy shit" moment to brother David. And actually quite reverently, he said that it amazed him how connected we all are. This was the first time I really considered connectedness. It was the first time that I had a conscious move from, I am learning from life, and I am being shaped, both by happiness and by struggle, to - I have affect.  I can have affect. A somewhat overwhelming notion. It is an easy concept for me to feel inspired, to look at others and think how wonderful it is that they have affect in my life. But to realise that I in return influence and affect them or others, well that can sometimes be difficult and in fact an ongoing challenge to accept in notion..  To hear someone with strong voice tell me that I inspire. And then to see it written in black and white, in print. Fast on paper, written in time, well that’s what I  find  overwhelming.  And those holy shit moments, well I relay those to brother David (I have no idea why I am making him sound so reverent in this blog, it must be the change in pope.  Brother David is also in the public eye, but being nurtured into early adulthood with his musicality and toilet humour, it gives  me a different perspective to those already standing in the spotlight. Less intimidating, less barriers.  So  when brother David mentioned his fascination with how connected we all are, it didn’t completely sink in. in fact in hindsight, I was beyond blasé.

 

 And then I saw my friend,  in a concert arena, body surfing through hues of soft orange, purple and blue light. Across a thousand hands ready to carry, it sank in to me that if I am one drop of inspiration, and he inspires this sea of people, even if its for an hour of dancing, then its an honour to be connected with this. At one point he stretches his limbs out exalting in the moment, of being in that moment of happiness, and at first I from a mind and body cast in locked mind, I felt jealous that I couldn’t ever have that feeling and freedom of complete expression of content, happiness, elation.

But these days I look at it differently, shouldn’t this be how it should be? Stretching in rejoice to the support of others, and in turn allowing them to stretch in appreciation by holding them on high. This is a voice being held on high. We need voices in society in order to inspire in various ways, to uplift those needing lifted, those needing carried for a while.  I don’t think it necessarily means that we all have to shout. A lot of people cant raise their voice, and I think if you cant, well that’s OK. But in that case, support someone who voices a passion that you share.  We are only human, and we do need support, even those in the spotlight.

I recently read a book from a friend, its called "Together we build a brighter future" by Salem Samhoud. I am really falling in to connectedness just by living, but to find a book written very clearly, and solidly on it, well i find it quite refreshing. so i may well refer back to this book in future blogs.

 

"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves…   All things are bound together. All things connect. " - Salem Samhoud.

Photograph by Jonathan Oldham (Amsterdam)

 

So how can I explain this web as I've seen it?  Well after semi-considering brother Davids sentiment. Life let the answer unfold, first in a vague suggestion, and then to pretty much suggestion of the undeniable.
 

A few years ago I broke my knee from which I lost my dance., it resulted in being stripped of what I had held very dear. Music and dance. So in clasping to what I could from it. Being banished by life to the sofa. There is a lot of tiredness, healing, and frustration. So escape would come by looking at new music. It was a time where new injury meant that I had to face scars of old injury and reflect.

From somewhere on planet youtube. I found a link for Speech Debelle, which refreshed the that there was still new music being made in which I felt comfortable in. that "home" feeling. And via links, I found music of Kobi Onyame, live at Glastonbury.  OK lets leave that thread there for a moment.  Lets go back further, to days of post-grad study.

 

And I worked in a shop, and round the corner from the shop lived brother David. It is a blessing to have a cuppasoup in a home where musical mixes are created. As I moved to study abroad, David began with a few others to encourage new Scottish talent via soul Karma lounge. And there came in Adele Sande. In the flippant way I did, I looked over many postings of her promotion. I do this, I don’t know why. But once this habit was overcome then I realised, wow, this is talent that inspires me, that lifts me up from tiredness and pain. This is someone who writes cleverly, and whole words just click with  me. Her name is now Emeli.

 So back to circa 2009. a few months after I had first listened to Kobi Onyame, returning to listen to the video links again, I took more time to look into videos of work and inspiration behind the music.  And particularly his road to Glastonbury. For him, an important moment for him to be heard by the industry.  and from there introduced his support. And he introduced his backing singer, Emeli Sande.  So this struck me as connection, but looking from the outside i wondered how many more intricacies to the this web could there have too to encourage each others success?

 This connection planted the seed to an a-ha moment. No, no, no, your getting it wrong..  not the eighties.. Actually lets translate a-ha to the "holy shit" spectrum. A-ha, is a mild tremor that may lead towards a "holy shit" moment.  And holy shit, is not an elongated toilet moment. A holy shit moment happens when something so amazing transpires, I'd almost be in disbelief, were it not for the fact that its accompanied with an air punching "YES! Life is good!!". That, friends is a "holy shit!" moment. 

 So yes the a-ha. The a-ha sewed a seed of thought, how connected is this all? And where does it link to?  Because the link from a painful healing, to Speech Debelle, to Kobi Onyame, to Emeli Sande, to brother David mixing music, to having a cuppa soup and getting "that" kind of warning for putting my feet up on a much loved  new leather sofa. Actually now we are on the subject, nor in fact did he appreciate my new party piece of balancing a pint glass of water on my head (no hands!), in such close vicinity to his very chic investment.

 ".. Nicki.. Put down the water".

 But the idea of how connected we are has kept on flowing.  In fact, perhaps it was flowing before I even knew it existed. When the plot in a story is revealed, and you were previously unaware that there was a story being written..

 Kobi Onyame can be found on facebook or via his youtube channel

 After my knee break, I returned to work with the horses. There was a new team created, and it felt like a really strong sisterhood. One of my sisters there, was also sensitive, and beautiful inside and out. and well, we could create a vibe of humour and joy, and let it flow.  We walk different paths now, but the sisterhood still lives between us. Through friendship, we witnessed how immensely connected our lives can be.

 We were sitting outside, she was smoking, we were exchanging girly stories from the evening before. The evening before, I had decided to investigate more into the field of Dutch hiphop, not just one group but more, more knowledge. But I came to a interview made with my friend in it. Considering to watch it..  stung against my principles, but this time, well lets see.. So mentioned in the interview linked an occasion linked in completely unforeseeable threads of a story. In our girlymode, Max wanted to watch the interview, I answered with reluctant OK. These are my private friends, this is my private life, but they are public.

And as we watched it in an evening, it came to the last question.  The question enquired about a television program that he had participated in, a sort of teenage homeswap.

 "My ex was also in that program, it was years ago..", Max casually mentioned.

 "Oh right.." replied I,  as the interview continued

 "My ex also lived in Rotterdam..  He was also called Nico… " A realisation was coming across her face, not fear, but similar to..

 "Nicki, can we check the website, maybe  his program is there.."

. Max is a hell of a lot more proactive than me, she lives life without hesitation. Whereas I, as the website revealed the next chapter of the evening, felt a closure of doom, I really feel resistant to poking into things.. And so opened the debate

 ".. But Nicki, this is a decision that they made.. This is on TV for the whole world to see.."

 I really still didn’t like the idea. If I am being friends with someone, they should tell me about themselves, by themselves.  This debate was about to really run, as the program followed through house and home of others lives. And then there was the ex. The beautiful Max, had probably been awaiting my reaction

 "..You kissed THAT?!"

 And with head-jilt reaction. Shaking her head vigorously. "Yes, but we didn't use tongues".

 Needless to say, from that moment, our focus concentrated on jovial Nico-isms and his complete focus on what a shitty world is around him.  But to have a look at how this story got to girls laughing around the table. Well, we calculated that threads of the story began to weave around 8 years before either of us had any notion or concept of what the future would bring. Life took four individuals on completely different paths, varying lifestyles and outlooks, and connected us very delicately with side stitching, bordering on transparent, but with strong enough shine to catch the light, and from there let a story shine through. When I look at it, it amazes me to think what was sewn together, and whether laughing around the table was the end point of it or not, well that’s not my business to know. But if my past has been sewn so well with such intricacies, then standing here in the " now", well it gives me a feeling that life has amazing plans in store.  And when life throws  a hardball, this helps me to dance in the rain.

 "Connection also happens if we celebrate life more with respect for nature and for other people. You must have the capacity to not become sombre and negative.  Celebrate life joyfully. That’s what its all about." - Salem Samhoud

 In order to be successfully connected and be aware of its merits, it is suggested that connection with others also comes through better knowledge of yourself, and awareness of your environment. So in the next blog or so, I want to have a look at different areas of this. But in concluding this blog, it leaves me with one predominant thought, which is that, if we are all connected and focus on inspiring instead of judging and chastising each other, what new heights could we reach?  Musicians and Artists support their connections in order to better their situation, but in normal life, i believe we can also support each other a little more. Life is difficult sometimes, so surely through supporting those people we are connected to and likewise viceversa, we can help make life a little easier. But perhaps as you read this, you feel that you are already living with a good team around you, in that case I would love to hear from you.

 

 I am going to finish this blog with a song that uplifts me in listening to it, written by Emeli Sande.

 

"This song is called Wonder.and I wrote it about the wonder within us all, and the light,  and everything special that we can do as people, if we believe.."

      I AM, BECAUSE WE ARE.

I wish I knew how..

So, I stood up and talked in church.

I don't do this often, needless to say I am not in church so very often. The pastor had given space for people to recall any special stories where they felt God had had affect in their lives that week. Well my story was to process a fortnight, of two halves. I do realise that amounts to two weeks.. but  view it then as a fortnight with two tones set within it. If you so wish to join me on this story, then you are much obliged to do this. Stick with it. It gets to the point, I promise.

I was not intending to talk, I never do.. but the first woman gave a story about being reunited with a stolen bike. I wouldn't mind, but I've heard this testimony in church before. and it just made me sigh.. like really? is that what goddy-god is all about in Amsterdam, retrieving stolen bicycles to their rightful owners? A noble cause, but surely there is more to be done than police the (lack of) bike situation. Normally when i have a bit of stomp about such likes, I have this pressure come over me, a sort of spiritual kick up the ass.  The result is me reacting proactively, something that doesn't always feel natural, or willing. And so when i did reach the microphone, I immediately explained that I am not very christian. I don't act in a typically christian manner towards God. I stomp my feet, and i swear at him without this "God fearing" attitude that some seem to advertise themselves as on dating sites. And because of this, sometimes the honesty i get back from the universe can be equally as true in character and raw, and i like it that way.

So,  I was able to recount, what i had told a friend was without doubt one of the most special, and most wonderful weeks of my life. I described my uproot from Breda last year, and finding a room in Utrecht, that through some funny way I made connection with some inspiring poets and spoken word  artists. And that one imparticular had really looked after me last year. Knowing that I could not afford so many luxuries, I would receive emails "are you going to the poetry event? your name is already on the list". How can you repay kindness?

What I didn't manage to recount, and it was maybe due to a hesitance of a non-christian talking to Christians, was the transition from Utrecht to Amsterdam. I had a choice, to go with trial period as a nanny in Utrecht, or to go for an interview/trial day working with horses. Next to music, another passion is horses. I was really over thinking  all the possibilities in the possibilities in the possibilities. The pros and the cons, the pros and cons of the pros, the pros and cons of the cons, and so on. I already knew that god was working through the people that had helped me already. And within myself i have to stop myself from asking constantly, OK I see a pattern of people coming into my life, but why? for what reason? whats it going to conclude to? I have met some people who look at others in terms of there own gain, i DO NOT view it this way, I enjoy people, but my reasoning, is that I will always be affected and affect those who come into my life, and the curiosity lies in the how, and the why. Its the temptation to look at the last page of book as you just begin, and i sometimes still do that. For those "oh no you don'ts" - bite me.  So back to the story, in the last evening in the Utrecht hostel, I prayed in return for relaxing and accepting what would come next. God please give me clarity.

The next morning, I woke and played some of my friends piano music, relaxed, and enjoyed its euphoria. And what seemed an endless list of clear, logical suggestions on what next to do, filled my head. The only problem was, the fecking clarity was for someone else. I was not very impressed. The guy who i had been talking to the day before, saluted me at breakfast, I think perhaps noted my less than enthusiastic morning face. Pulled a hippy sort of dance and said "... did you have a vision or something?".

"No. But i have words." I related the suggestions of what he should do to focus HIS career, and sighed.

"Well, really, thank you so much for thinking of me." With a smile.

"I didn't."  No smile.

                                   (The music is played by my old school friend Ali Pibworth,
                                     http://diyrockshop.co.uk/site/?page_id=2 )

The interview was the next day, and i was still, well. perplexed. Then via facebook, I saw a flier for free theatre in Amsterdam. Ok, Goddy-god, since you are not giving me a direct decision. I'm going to go finish up things, and take a train to Amsterdam. See some theatre, and not cancel the interview at the manege. There was then a bit of an untimely skype meeting with mum, who called as i was getting organised. She gave me a list of  "But! Have you considered(s)".

"Sorry mum, but the battery is running low, and i really have to go for the train."

One should never really fear closing the laptop on their mother on such occaisions. Suffice to say, there was a text message full of question marks to follow. And so i wracked my brain for possibilies to calm her. Its based on my sisters advice as a student. "..you don't need to follow your plan, but aslong as mum thinks you've got one."

"Mum, it will be ok. I'm staying at a Christian hostel."

Once in Amsterdam, I was invited to a second evening where my spoken word friend was  performing. Its called Dag van Empathie, and the aim is to encourage cultural togetherness. It happens on the 3rd of May, this year also in Mozes en Aäronkerk I found it so inspiring to hear stories from different backgrounds. And also from a Jewish Rabi, who talked about how we can move on from difficult pasts. Some music was played, and I took time to look at the beautiful art, which felt spiritual to me. (I was later told by a christian friend, that the Mozes en Aäronkerk is a mosque. it makes no difference to me. It felt spiritual enough for me to exasperate , "God, what. do. you. want me to do??". I was so tired of thinking about possibilities, I just needed a sign, that and/or a lot of patience. (More information can be found about Dag Van Empathie on Facebook).

Throughout the last year, I received so much support from friends, both brotherly, and inspirational, and that grandparent sort of nurturing, that its a constant thought as to how i can repay kindness. And  in this first week, two friends, both of great support to me, but unknown to each other, united and discussed plans of creating something really special. It was so beautiful to see those moments where you know absolutely one hundred percent that something wonderful is being envisioned by them both. And as time goes on, i will let you know exactly what this is. But that now becomes their story, and i smile as i think about it building.

The following evening, i received an invitation by a musical friend, in fact he had been the one i was meeting at the open poetry night, where i met the spoken word girl (and so here, is a hint towards a whole iceberg of connectedness!). I had the opportunity to go and watch a debut of a new album being worked upon. It was also being worked on with a lot of honour and emotion. And all of a sudden it struck me, that all of these connections, sewn together to create and inspire, were being developed even whilst i fretted over which way to go, whilst i lacked faith in what was being created, it was still being created. I would of course like to be in credit of it all, and take decisions that will give me great advantage, but taking time to step back and look at the patterns arising through travelling from one Dutch city to another. Something wonderful was being created around me, and it was created by something much greater than i can completely concieve.

To conclude the wonderful week, I am going to quickly introduce you to an older couple that i clean for. A cleaning job is an even more wonderful employment, if you have opportunity to laugh, and join intellectually stimulating discussion with your employers. This couple will, I am sure have their own stories, and humour to relate. But to conclude this week, with homemade Dutch chicken soup, and sparkly water in a wine glass, whilst looking over the old Gein canal, well it makes an exceptional week even more special.

The second part of the story, actually runs over. And has given me much more learning than at the time i could relay to the christians. Sometimes it is utterly heart sinking to watch a friend sink into a dark chaos, despite showing support again, and again, and again. In some ways it makes me so sad to see, I can see the reasons why something as ammounted to a situation, why some situations become so desperate that a friend could feel so recklace with their own life. It makes me very sad, and as a result of course i want to show my support. No man is alone. My dad always says that when hillwalking, to walk at the speed of the slowest walker, so should that be seen in life too?  This is a path where i have definately appreciated where i can show support, the direction of the path is ultimately at the decision of the walker, and respect ultimately has to be given to that, no matter how difficult it may be.

As I stepped out of the church, fairly amazed that i'd been there to show insight unintended. I had no expectation that life still had to show me some lessons in this area. I overthink things, I see the what ifs in the the what ifs. I dont play chess, but sometimes life feels like chess to me. which move to make?

 

 

 

Photograph- Jonathan Oldam Photography (Amsterdam)

 

 

The weather this week in Amsterdam has been appaulling, and some part of me was still very worried about the friend, what was best to do, what should i do? And so one errand was made on his behalf, part of me had already decided that this would be the last. I care for him, but we are makers of our own mess, and i am not there to clean everything up. I have an ex boyfriend who was very sensitive to his environment. I was never in tune like he was, but it was fascinating in some respects. We all have different ways of learning, and I've said this to some book-hardy christian friends, I am never going to sit down and retain everything i read, and believe it. I am never going to listen with full concentration in class, but show me something where i can learn hands on, and it sinks in as acceptable.  So cycling through the wind and snow, and fulfilling this errand, something in my being felt completely, this is the line now. No more struggle towards cleaning a mess, where he doesn't make effort himself.

And to enforce this point. I decided to find some beads in which to make jewellery. And i found myself by the hippyshop. I go there sometimes because I feel balance in my energy from the stones that they sell. There was a lady doing Angel readings, and for some reason, it felt right to ask. Not in desperation, but really it felt like a time out moment, OK... lets evaluate the current situation. Without going into details of everything, the main card that fell out of the pack, shouted the point of it all. Shut up. take time to chill. "God is in Control". ..."please remember that". I had to laugh. whether this challenges your comfort in reading or not. For me aside from the obvious, it confirms my last theory in this blog. Its a theory that's building, but this is what I have so far..

The theory is so far.. that God doesn't just work through Christianity, and Christians trying to work out how to develop their own concepts of christian values.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe and respect that Jesus existed, and had a special path to take. But my thought is this, and remains this. If all the written scriptures in the world, regardless of religion.  If all the scriptures that are held onto so dearly as truth were burned. Then surely God would still want to reach us?

I really do not think that he is standing on a pedestal saying, well luvvies, to be close to me, or within me, you can only go through a certain route.  Someone who loves, acts in terms of others needs. someone who loves will go beyond their own comfort and boundaries in order to show that. So if an all loving God looks at the current situation, where in an MTV culture not even hiphop(pop) to the masses keeps it real these days.  So perhaps it could be that he turns his thought to how to work within those who are not aware of.. or not aware that they are, already working within the love of life. so my perspective here takes a different tangent to how Christians would typically see it as only believers in Christ to be living within Gods love. So how ever you want to call it, the universe/creator/god/life.. has already places blessings and skills within people in order to affect those living life. By using creativity, nature, humour, positivity, music, dance, anything else that causes meaningful affect, well the result is, that it moves people, challenges people, empowers, inspires, heals and uplifts through connecting people and creativity in different ways. I think that I will try write a new blog on this, just to explain my reasoning further.

So through different ways in the last weeks, my learning has been to realise and celebrate blessings in life, and whilst being open to feel and act in situations to  show love for others, to remain grounded in developing self respect, and to fall in love with life. Life is in control, and I am learning how rest in that, and re-fall in love with it all.